Thursday, December 25, 2008
To all of you at your very different stages on this journey, for some it is your first Christmas without your little person for others this is a familiar feeling, though I hope not as raw as the first one. Whatever, wherever, however...I wish you all the peace and comfort and love that I can send.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
It amazing how the line in the sand just keeps changing - however now I could honestly say I have come to terms with likely caesarean and possible prem baby and I AM OK. Its already been hard, it will continue to be hard, a few more hurdles are not going to destroy me. The goal is to bring a baby home and thats just what I am going to focus on.
Am back seeing my acupuncturist weekly and she is a natural therapist with 20 yrs experience, that only deals with all things related to fertility, pregnancy, birth etc and she said she has still seen placentas move from 28 wks to be ok at 34 and has given me some more herbs to assist with this, plus a session of her magical needles that I do love. Now I am not 'expecting this news' think better for me to adjust to the C section etc - but it may be a nice suprise.
Next ob visit the 16th - scan on the 20th and then back to ob on the 30th to discuss the finding of the previous scan. So for now I enjoy summer, swimming and feasting on salads and seafood, tropical fruits and all the fun an Aussie Xmas brings AND i wait.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
So my placenta is currently a grade III previa (half covering cervix) - and in her words not looking like it will move. However they won't officially talk caesarean until 34 weeks (early Jan)
From now on I see an ob every 2 weeks (pretty standard for 3rd trimester) plus they will do a scan again at 31 weeks and again 34 weeks.
She said gentle exercise is fine - just no squats with weights kinda stuff .. which I would not be doing anyway PLUS I have decided that husband and I can have a "play" but no penetration sex.
Of course I must watch out for a bleed and even if a tinge to go straight in and if I have pain or anything of course the same. If placenta does not move - chance of bleed after 34 weeks is about 50%. Some of the other random things that she mentioned was they may start giving me steroids next visit and that "the obs like anything over 2kg" (about 4lbs 4oz) - anything being my baby.
I must say during the first 10 mins of this appointment I was almost narcy..just sounding a bit sarcastic and basically angry. So after all of this info and lots of questions from me..I had to add so one more thing cos of course it can't get any more COMPLEX. BUT if I have a caesarean I know that I have an anterior placenta - what do you do then?? She said well they just cut through it and get bub - no risk to bub - but YOU have a much bigger chance of a big bleed like 1-1.5litres so they have to deal with that promptly or worst case hysterectomy time AAAHAHAH
So let me summarise and excuse the angry whinging BUT.
Placenta Previa - that will probably remain so
Increased Risk of bleeds and all the hazards to bub and me that brings
Reasonable chance of Post Partum Haemorrage (especially as had one with Noah)
Slim chance of Hysterectomy
Good chance of Premmie baby
AND GREAT CHANCE OF MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR MUMMY.
I just don't know how I am going to do this!!! I can't believe I entered this pregnancy not so much high risk as "special care" due to emotional trauma and the frightening realisation that baby's die from many different causes...and NOW i am looking very much like high risk for actual medical reasons to add to the emotional scars. So woke about a dozen times during night to wipe and check and check and felt the most anxious I have in ages, tried to cry to get some relief and it was pathetic and half hearted. So just tried to breathe slowly and close my mouth to not 'overbreathe' and stared around the room. Horrible.
I am just terrified that I AM THE ONE, the horror story that we are all so afraid of. That my story will fuck up and I just don't think I, my marriage, my life would survive losing this much loved child. If i could just cut a deal but BE GUARANTEED the living baby at the end. Can I please just get to 33-34 weeks and I promise I can handle the caesaeran (piece of cake) some wringing of hands around a slightly premmie baby, expressing madly and having to wait to bring them home (no fun at all but at least they alive) hell I'll haemorrage and have a blood trans. (Been there done that)..JUST PLEASE GET ME MY BABY.
Friday, November 28, 2008
So until I talk to her I won't "call it" placenta praevia but its looking like its not going to move. BLOODY HELL.
So if it was 'just' that I need to have a C section then I would adjust my head to this idea and of course would just deal with it. Anything for a healthy live baby and healthy Mum right!! But its not just that..google this condition people and you will discover it makes me "high risk" as if having a dead baby last time was not "high risk enough". Greater risks of bleeds, and placental abruptions and other such fun stuff.
I have had my big cry session but I am trying to 'wait' until I talk to Dr Lee until I start to worry too much.
Any ideas or advice or some fabulous outcome stories would be great. Please can you guys cheer me up.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
I love you little darling boy. I miss you.
Monday, October 27, 2008
2. Where is your significant other? At work
3. Your hair color? Auburn
4. Your mother? Unconditional
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Noah I really love you, I hope you can hear me because of course this is true.
Noah I just want to tell you that I love you and I always will.
I saw you grow up in my mummy's tummy.
I guess you were just not ready.
Everyday I will come and talk to you. Even bring a secret or two.
We made you a beautiful garden so you can rest.
We gave you your name because it means 'peaceful and restful"
I'll remember the perfect name for my little brother Noah.
Noah I really do love you. Happy 1st Birthday Your big sister Luka xxoox
Friday, September 26, 2008
I know that even with L the placenta was low at the 20 week scan and yet had moved up by late pregnancy so I could and did push her out. I don't even remember being really concerned about it, in fact had forgotten it totally until I read my pregnancy journal that I wrote for her.
But hey thats back when I was an innocent schmuck. Now I am just a frightened, vulnerable fuckin nutcase. And it all involves just WAITING. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting to recover from your goddam D and C's or from the horror of stillbirth, waiting to not feel so shit, waiting to recover, waiting to conceive again, waiting for your period. I am SO tired today of waiting.. and yet thats what I am going to have to do.
I just hope more than anything the wait is worth it...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
I am also trying to do 'different things' this pregnancy - superstitious lot us dead baby mums can be. Had not yet bought a cot and other baby furniture for Noah, so am planning to do that over the next few weeks and have the room set up probably by 3rd trimester. Also plan on finishing work a couple of weeks later than I did last time. Small stuff perhaps but helps my head. Also we have found out the sex "sorry my little secret" which I have never done before. We really just could not wait! Funny that..its like being pregnant for EVER...when you don't get to bring one home.
Mantra to self - Most babies LIVE, Most babies LIVE ... it really is one day at a time.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Come on baby..you can do it!!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
So I have been considering some jewellery or even a tattoo. I saw another dead baby mum had a footprint on her foot and I really liked the concept of it and although I have not got any other tatts I do like the idea of getting his actual little foot print copied onto mine.
Its discreet and private if I want it to be, however as its summer 9 months of the year here, it would be also out there for the world to see. I like that i could look down and be reminded of him and that it also says he is walking with me and that his Mama is carrying him. What do you think of that idea girls and what other things have you done? Part of the reason I don't have photos around is because he had been dead for a few days by the time he arrived and they are not that 'family friendly' Funny isn't it how as a proud mum you still kinda want to show them to people and go "Look at my cute little guy, don't worry about that skin peeling off and the dark purple bits, isn't he just a darlin" while the poor unexpected viewer picks themselves off the floor. Oh dear!!
So any ideas would be great...
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Well the news as of Friday was - one live bean - 6 wk 3 days and heartbeat of 120 - all looking fine. Had been a tiny (doctors words) bleed away from bub but they showed no concern re that.
So I sit and wait and wait and wait and plot and plan for another scan in couple of weeks to see if things are progressing still.
Feel rather numb re the whole thing - just trying not to invest. Taking one day at a time.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Today Mummy is frightened and also hopeful, she is going to have a scan to see if she has another baby just starting to grow. I must be brave just as you were.
I love you.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I have booked an early scan to see if anyone is in there for end of next week. And until I know further I just hope time flys by, I hope for many many things..but right now this Bean carrier needs to sleep.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
So I am actively trying to make a baby...we did the ovulation tests for 3 months with no success so this month we have just 'gone for it' around the right time and we will wait and see. I also have done 2 sessions of acupuncture and am taking some Chinese herbs. I have even booked in with a fertility specialist in July, not that I think fertility is really my issue. Shit this is pregnancy 6 I am aiming for so I can very much get pregnant..its bringing home the baby that I suck at.
..but cos i am 37 I just want to know I have the IVF intervention back up if I need. Even doing all these things makes me feel proactive and just doing something and for me that helps. Hopefully it will just happen while I am distracted by all this. Fingers crossed and legs open.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
So quite a few drinks enjoyed (yes yes trying to find balance between this 2 year pregnancy bullshit no kid thing) and sometimes that includes getting a bit crazy. so 2 of my best girlfriends there L ..who was so there when shit hit fan and R who has been darling friend in certain parts of my life, loads of laughs and champers and - (we had great successful business together) anyway she kinda shown herself to be just my good time girlfriend and not the solid soul sister that i thought she was. I hate even writing that..but its the truth.
Anyway as the night evolved out of a dozen people out to see this very famous fun band... everyone starts doing different stuff... a couple going to and fro from one bar to new bar, one two other friends getting a little sideways, some maybe need to go early even after my understanding that this is Ange time...us with our guys having super laughs, great tunes and giggles... (hey you can screw him whenever...what about me) Anyway people were lost bla bla...but STILL i so had fun at the gig with my rocker A. So to cut long story...I sent texts saying where did everyone go, why didnt you text or call..no matter how much beer taken in..we not in our "home town" so connect and make sure all back at hotels or whatever and everyone ok..and the word that featured in these texts was DISAPPOINTED. And i rambled further about this to A and then yet again this morn in our hazy drive home to Bris. And then I had the Dr Phil moment that..I am not disappointed about who left one bar to make out at another or bla bla bla its about my baby.
WHAT I WANT TO SAY..is i am disappointed that you DON'T GET IT. I want you to get it and i want to be acknowledged. I want his name said and i just want you to miss him even a bit and to ask about me...yes i dance and laugh even look like old Ange.. am almost pre preg size 8 (think that a 6 or 4 or some such nonsense in USA)..and am otherwise busy with lots of projects to distract me...but do you remember my BABY DIED.
What I am disappointed about is the fact i have to remind you in a passive aggressive way such as (hmmm still could lose 5 kilos its that baby weight hanging around) or (yeah was going to do this or that or fuckin whatever but Noah died and that changed)...like REMEMBER.
so hey its not about a night out its a lot of stuff. like who did not come to me after Noah and yet sent lovely messages but cancelled 3 visits due to work/stuff/slight hangover/sick/busy. Friend R... that I love.
So do i have to let you go a little.. Maybe i do..You just my fun girl..that wishes she could deal with big grown up stuff...but until Dead Baby is the name of cocktail we are just sometimes, when times are good friends. and that sucks! and its one more person i need to miss!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
....I love you Noah. Darling, how I wish more than anything I could hold you and kiss you and tell you how adored you are. What a brave little guy you are - my beautiful, perfect little man. love Mama xx
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Its amazing isn't it - these situations that we find ourselves in. I love to talk to women about all things intimate and womanly and yet i find myself pretending to be the "shy one" as they giggle and discuss her impending birth and the last weeks...
If i just stare at them and through them as they chat and in my head go LA LA LA LA LA...i won't hear a thing. Wow I am so good the tears almost start and I can swallow them and nod and smile accordingly. Its all so f&^&$%^% but I must say I am impressive!!!!
Friday, March 21, 2008
I never wanted to focus on it like this...I just wanted to see what happened..go off the pill and see. But now after 2 miscarriages and Noah, I am 37 and I am now mildly obsessed...now it seems I have to "follow through" and get that baby.
I just thought it would be oh so easier....
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I think in the early weeks I was obviously very upset and cried a lot but had felt 'more comfortable' about it being out of my control and rarely did feelings of blaming myself pop up. Now thats changing and sometimes when I think about it my tummy turns over - that physical feeling of dread sweeps over me.
Its all about the bloody placenta the goddam bloody placenta being Anterior. You see Noah became extremely anaemic due to me having Parvo Virus B19 - The virus stops his red blood cells from developing and its most likely he contracted it before 20 weeks (due to the outcome) So I never felt much movement around the normal time you start to notice..and then as the weeks go on the poor little guy is getting weaker and weaker - I am getting these half hearted movements, really hardly anything. But because the placenta was Anterior I was led to believe by my midwife and Dr Google and even a woman I know that had 2 babies with Anterior placentas...that YES movement can be felt MUCH later (first flutters as late as 23-24 weeks) YES movement can be quite muffled, YES you may not feel those sharp jabs or distinct turns etc because you have a CUSHION between you and your bubba.
So every few days I bring it up to my husband and he sets me straight..."don't be silly darling - remember what the midwife/internet/friend told you...its the placenta"
So I would have concerns but they were easily put to rest (for a few days) with these explanations. But do you know the shitty thing is my instinct did not "raise the alarm" My instinct that i live by and trust being the wise old witchy poo that I am - did not let me know. And that shits me. Cos if my fears were ongoing and stronger I absolutely would have demanded some more attention, I am not a little shy wallflower, I am confident and an advocate for myself with all things medical.
I even went to the hospital at about 25 weeks to check on my puffy swollen legs and they did a trace for quite a while on him and because his heart rate was nice and strong no further investigation. My god there are so many WHAT IFS...
The fact is he could have been saved, if this virus was detected they would have given him a blood transfusion in utero or got him out and done one then. Hey he may have had a big struggle and a fight on his hands but I SOOOOO wish he could of had that chance.
How could I be so stupid?? My god Angela you have been pregnant before, don't you remember what a healthy moving bub felt like. GRRRRRRRRRR *%*$*#*%*#*0
So many whys and what if's!!!!
Why was screening for this virus not part of a standard blood test during the pregnancy.
Why do we not have a couple more scans as 'standard practice' later in pregnancy.
Why do our beautiful babies die and little research is done into preventing it.
Friday, March 7, 2008
In no particular order ... drum roll please.
Antonio Banderas - yummy, smouldering, looks like he would make it ALL about you..winkViggo Mortensen - little rough around the edges, doesn't run with the pack - plus an author and poet. Intelligent beefcake. Hee.
Jake Gyllenhaal - just young and cute and some more cute.
Colin Firth - Nice combo of English gent and your kind attentive good friend. More to him than meets the eye.
George Clooney - just oozes charm. Reckon he would smell nice too.
Robert Downey Jnr - well he would spice up your party, fabulous actor and he looks A LOT like my husband.I am sure most of the gals have done this one by now - how about Mary Lou and MKV and Samantha
I have plenty of post ideas and comments to make - so I promise to write more over the next few days. x
Friday, February 29, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
So we were away for 2 important dates...Noah's due date and my birthday...
And for us...this trip worked...I had fun, I laughed, I shagged, I ate heaps and drank a bit..did i mention the sexy stuff..heeee.
A really healing aspect of the trip was the fabulous attitude of the Vietnamese..they have endured so much war and loss and yet they must be one of the most resilient (and forgiving) peoples. Made me consider how stillbirth would be viewed and dealt with there. Generally they have a close extended family so I guess most women would have that support but for many the "luxury" of grieving is probably limited. Many people are very poor and you have to work hard to survive and so you would probably have to 'just get on with it' Makes me appreciate the resources available to me and the time i can afford to deal with this shit.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I have been a voyeur for weeks now and feel like I know so many of you and your beautiful babies already. So thanks for giving me so much comfort and support, its amazing how comforting it has been to hear your stories and to just GET YOU..so many emotions and comments that are shared just resonate so strongly. So thanks.
Perhaps I can alert others to the virus that infected me and ultimately took N's life and maybe it can prevent this happening to someone else. Writing and sharing may also help keep me sane while I endeavour to make another baby, a beautiful healthy baby that i can take home and love with all my heart. Its not too much to ask..is it!