Thursday, March 13, 2008

How could I be so stupid

I am so pissed off. My mind goes over the details of Noah dying every day and more and more I am hearing "what were you thinking" "how stupid could you have been" why would you think his movement was normal" and on and on.

I think in the early weeks I was obviously very upset and cried a lot but had felt 'more comfortable' about it being out of my control and rarely did feelings of blaming myself pop up. Now thats changing and sometimes when I think about it my tummy turns over - that physical feeling of dread sweeps over me.

Its all about the bloody placenta the goddam bloody placenta being Anterior. You see Noah became extremely anaemic due to me having Parvo Virus B19 - The virus stops his red blood cells from developing and its most likely he contracted it before 20 weeks (due to the outcome) So I never felt much movement around the normal time you start to notice..and then as the weeks go on the poor little guy is getting weaker and weaker - I am getting these half hearted movements, really hardly anything. But because the placenta was Anterior I was led to believe by my midwife and Dr Google and even a woman I know that had 2 babies with Anterior placentas...that YES movement can be felt MUCH later (first flutters as late as 23-24 weeks) YES movement can be quite muffled, YES you may not feel those sharp jabs or distinct turns etc because you have a CUSHION between you and your bubba.

So every few days I bring it up to my husband and he sets me straight..."don't be silly darling - remember what the midwife/internet/friend told you...its the placenta"
So I would have concerns but they were easily put to rest (for a few days) with these explanations. But do you know the shitty thing is my instinct did not "raise the alarm" My instinct that i live by and trust being the wise old witchy poo that I am - did not let me know. And that shits me. Cos if my fears were ongoing and stronger I absolutely would have demanded some more attention, I am not a little shy wallflower, I am confident and an advocate for myself with all things medical.

I even went to the hospital at about 25 weeks to check on my puffy swollen legs and they did a trace for quite a while on him and because his heart rate was nice and strong no further investigation. My god there are so many WHAT IFS...

The fact is he could have been saved, if this virus was detected they would have given him a blood transfusion in utero or got him out and done one then. Hey he may have had a big struggle and a fight on his hands but I SOOOOO wish he could of had that chance.

How could I be so stupid?? My god Angela you have been pregnant before, don't you remember what a healthy moving bub felt like. GRRRRRRRRRR *%*$*#*%*#*0

So many whys and what if's!!!!
Why was screening for this virus not part of a standard blood test during the pregnancy.
Why do we not have a couple more scans as 'standard practice' later in pregnancy.
Why do our beautiful babies die and little research is done into preventing it.


Amy said...

Oh Ange,
All of those what ifs they always seem to pop back up. I'm so sorry for your loss of Noah, your sweet little man. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs. You must remember, they may or may not have been able to do anything. It is NOT your fault. It will never be your fault. It is much as I am angry at Mother Nature, it is her way. Again, sweetie, I am so incredibly sorry.

c. said...

It pains me to no end how very little our babies are worth because they died in utero, because they died. I've said it before and I'll say it now: there is no money in dead babies. It breaks my heart that it all comes down to that and NOT what is really important.

CLC said...

Ange- that really sucks. I would like to tell you to stop blaming yourself, but it would be futile because I don't listen to that advice either. I am sorry you have to battle yourself though, it's a hard battle to win. I hope you come to peace eventually with the fact that it wasn't your fault.

Azaera said...

I think we all (women who've lost babies) question ourselves constantly. What could I have done differently? I should have known something was wrong.. so on so forth.. I wish I could tell you it gets easier.. but I only lost my baby two months ago. I'm hoping that things will start getting easier.. The only advice I can give is to keep telling yourself that it isn't your fault.

Angelisa said...


I am with the others here in saying to you that it is NOT and never will be your fault. I know how hard it is to believe that sometimes. I do the same thing myself. But, really we are mammas...that's what mammas do...we always wonder if we could've done something different with our children. Our children unfortunately aren't here, but we are mammas all the same, so we ask these questions, feel guilty, etc. There is nothing you did wrong. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this battle of living without Noah, but also of battling yourself. I hope in this hell, you can give yourself a break and be kind to yourself (I know, easier said than done), but you deserve it.

I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Firstly, Im really sorry your feeling like this. It truly sux!
Why, why, why??? Yes I ask the same 'why' questions everyday. I also play the 'what if' game with myself ALL the time. It doesnt matter how many people say 'it was out of your control', it doesnt stop these thoughts.

I guess I really have nothing useful to say as I know what your going through.

What you have said though has just added to what i say to many pg women. A good strong hb means very little when things have turned to shit. We have a Doppler here at home and the day we went to the hospital Zak's hb was well in the 150's. It meant nothing though. When that movement slows or stops, get to the hospital. No matter how good the hb you get with a Doppler or your GP gets. Better to be safe than sorry.


JuliaS said...

Ange - please, be kind to yourself. It is so not your fault. In my 8th pg (3rd to go to term) I too had an anterior placenta. I felt NOTHING and I too knew what to *look* for. At my 20 week scan that kid was everywhere - I could see it, and all I felt was a couple muffled nudges now and then. So, yes, it would be very hard to know what was normal and what wasn't with an anterior placenta. I am so sorry you lost your little boy. I cannot believe the things that people are saying to you.

Good wishes with your ttc. I wish you much success and much peace and comfort.

Natalie said...

The guilt is overwhelming isn't it...... as a mother, it's what we do. I can't stop thinking about what I could have done to save my boy. But when you have everyone telling you not to worry, everything's fine..... what can you really do?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy.

Sarah said...

Babe, you just have to let it go. I don't think there's another way - you can make yourself crazy with the "what ifs" and "whys". I lost my daughter almost 8 months ago and I've done it too - wondering if I didn't somehow always end up sleeping on my stomach, would she have not struggled and gotten tangled in her cord...

There is absolutely no positive outcome in trying to figure it out. As horrible and hard as it is, I've learned that you just accept that they're not here, it's not fair, it does totally suck, you can't understand why - it just IS. It's the only way to move on...the other road just leads to more pain.

Brooke said...

This post just about stopped my heart. Everything you said rings true for how my pregnancy was. I am still waiting for results of tests done on my son, but now I have another possibility to consider. They told us that my placenta was anterior too, and everything you wrote about your concerns, and being angry at yourself It could have come from me.

I am so sorry for your loss of dear Noah.

Brooke said...

can i ask how they discovered it was the parvovirus? I'm sorry to ask if this upsets you...I'm searching for answers and what Ive now read about Parvovirus fits all too well with what I know of my son's condition...