I am so pissed off. My mind goes over the details of Noah dying every day and more and more I am hearing "what were you thinking" "how stupid could you have been" why would you think his movement was normal" and on and on.
I think in the early weeks I was obviously very upset and cried a lot but had felt 'more comfortable' about it being out of my control and rarely did feelings of blaming myself pop up. Now thats changing and sometimes when I think about it my tummy turns over - that physical feeling of dread sweeps over me.
Its all about the bloody placenta the goddam bloody placenta being Anterior. You see Noah became extremely anaemic due to me having Parvo Virus B19 - The virus stops his red blood cells from developing and its most likely he contracted it before 20 weeks (due to the outcome) So I never felt much movement around the normal time you start to notice..and then as the weeks go on the poor little guy is getting weaker and weaker - I am getting these half hearted movements, really hardly anything. But because the placenta was Anterior I was led to believe by my midwife and Dr Google and even a woman I know that had 2 babies with Anterior placentas...that YES movement can be felt MUCH later (first flutters as late as 23-24 weeks) YES movement can be quite muffled, YES you may not feel those sharp jabs or distinct turns etc because you have a CUSHION between you and your bubba.
So every few days I bring it up to my husband and he sets me straight..."don't be silly darling - remember what the midwife/internet/friend told you...its the placenta"
So I would have concerns but they were easily put to rest (for a few days) with these explanations. But do you know the shitty thing is my instinct did not "raise the alarm" My instinct that i live by and trust being the wise old witchy poo that I am - did not let me know. And that shits me. Cos if my fears were ongoing and stronger I absolutely would have demanded some more attention, I am not a little shy wallflower, I am confident and an advocate for myself with all things medical.
I even went to the hospital at about 25 weeks to check on my puffy swollen legs and they did a trace for quite a while on him and because his heart rate was nice and strong no further investigation. My god there are so many WHAT IFS...
The fact is he could have been saved, if this virus was detected they would have given him a blood transfusion in utero or got him out and done one then. Hey he may have had a big struggle and a fight on his hands but I SOOOOO wish he could of had that chance.
How could I be so stupid?? My god Angela you have been pregnant before, don't you remember what a healthy moving bub felt like. GRRRRRRRRRR *%*$*#*%*#*0
So many whys and what if's!!!!
Why was screening for this virus not part of a standard blood test during the pregnancy.
Why do we not have a couple more scans as 'standard practice' later in pregnancy.
Why do our beautiful babies die and little research is done into preventing it.