My baby boy

How I miss you darling boy. Can it really be 8 months since I saw your pretty little face. I look at bigger babies now, babies that sit up and maybe crawl and are getting some teeth. And I wonder what you would be like. I think of how things could have been and I am sorry that I did not know you were sick in my tummy darling. The effect your little life has had on your daddy and me and your big sister is so profound. We talk about you, we cry about you, we smile and remember the smallest little things and feel such love in our hearts - and its all for you Noah.

Today Mummy is frightened and also hopeful, she is going to have a scan to see if she has another baby just starting to grow. I must be brave just as you were.

I love you.

Another chance

I have a secret...well its a secret in RL - but I had to share it here first. Yes two pink lines for me a few days ago. What a mix of emotions. Firstly I am sorry that this causes some people real distress who are trying and with no success so far. But remember that was me last month and the month before. And its only 2 pink lines - who knows if it means more than that. But oh please oh please. I am a good person, a good mummy, a good friend please let me have the chance to love another baby. PLEASE....
I have booked an early scan to see if anyone is in there for end of next week. And until I know further I just hope time flys by, I hope for many many things..but right now this Bean carrier needs to sleep.

Still here..

Its amazing that over 6 weeks have passed since I last wrote, although I have never been that prolific now have I. I still have a look every week or so and leave a few comments, but I guess there are two reasons I have not been a regular. 1. That i generally feel better and sometimes reading more sad stories etc sets off the tears and brings me down. and 2. Seemed to be so many pregnancies and while I am genuinely thrilled and excited for this...I can't help feel a bit left out and a bit envious. I want to yell out " don't leave me behind..wait for me..I want to join in on the next stage with you" Especially the women that I consider to be part of 'my group' the ones who lost bubbys within a couple of months of me.
So I am actively trying to make a baby...we did the ovulation tests for 3 months with no success so this month we have just 'gone for it' around the right time and we will wait and see. I also have done 2 sessions of acupuncture and am taking some Chinese herbs. I have even booked in with a fertility specialist in July, not that I think fertility is really my issue. Shit this is pregnancy 6 I am aiming for so I can very much get pregnant..its bringing home the baby that I suck at.

..but cos i am 37 I just want to know I have the IVF intervention back up if I need. Even doing all these things makes me feel proactive and just doing something and for me that helps. Hopefully it will just happen while I am distracted by all this. Fingers crossed and legs open.

Word of the day Disappointed...

Well i have had a great weekend. Have just driven to Byron Bay ...one of the most glorious places in Australia..and saw some fab music ... a little bit hard rock which was jumping laughing fun...
So quite a few drinks enjoyed (yes yes trying to find balance between this 2 year pregnancy bullshit no kid thing) and sometimes that includes getting a bit crazy. so 2 of my best girlfriends there L ..who was so there when shit hit fan and R who has been darling friend in certain parts of my life, loads of laughs and champers and - (we had great successful business together) anyway she kinda shown herself to be just my good time girlfriend and not the solid soul sister that i thought she was. I hate even writing that..but its the truth.

Anyway as the night evolved out of a dozen people out to see this very famous fun band... everyone starts doing different stuff... a couple going to and fro from one bar to new bar, one two other friends getting a little sideways, some maybe need to go early even after my understanding that this is Ange time...us with our guys having super laughs, great tunes and giggles... (hey you can screw him whenever...what about me) Anyway people were lost bla bla...but STILL i so had fun at the gig with my rocker A. So to cut long story...I sent texts saying where did everyone go, why didnt you text or call..no matter how much beer taken in..we not in our "home town" so connect and make sure all back at hotels or whatever and everyone ok..and the word that featured in these texts was DISAPPOINTED. And i rambled further about this to A and then yet again this morn in our hazy drive home to Bris. And then I had the Dr Phil moment that..I am not disappointed about who left one bar to make out at another or bla bla bla its about my baby.

WHAT I WANT TO SAY..is i am disappointed that you DON'T GET IT. I want you to get it and i want to be acknowledged. I want his name said and i just want you to miss him even a bit and to ask about me...yes i dance and laugh even look like old Ange.. am almost pre preg size 8 (think that a 6 or 4 or some such nonsense in USA)..and am otherwise busy with lots of projects to distract me...but do you remember my BABY DIED.

What I am disappointed about is the fact i have to remind you in a passive aggressive way such as (hmmm still could lose 5 kilos its that baby weight hanging around) or (yeah was going to do this or that or fuckin whatever but Noah died and that changed)...like REMEMBER.

so hey its not about a night out its a lot of stuff. like who did not come to me after Noah and yet sent lovely messages but cancelled 3 visits due to work/stuff/slight hangover/sick/busy. Friend R... that I love.
So do i have to let you go a little.. Maybe i do..You just my fun girl..that wishes she could deal with big grown up stuff...but until Dead Baby is the name of cocktail we are just sometimes, when times are good friends. and that sucks! and its one more person i need to miss!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 months today...

and I want MY BABY...I MISSSS MY BABY!!!!! Not coping this very minute. Everyone that is commenting about how it gets worse before it gets better..i agree with. I was better off at 3 months then I have been in the last few weeks. Its just the reality has sunk in! This is real and this sucks. I don't want this to be my life, my story. I want to rewind and be naive and excited and hopeful and joyful. I don't want to go through the goddam motions in my new job or pretending to be excited and interested in almost every bloody social thing we do. I am just angry and sad and terrified and frustrated. But i just wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks to all you girls out there..the ones I love to read and who just "get me". You have made a truely shocking experience almost bearable.

....I love you Noah. Darling, how I wish more than anything I could hold you and kiss you and tell you how adored you are. What a brave little guy you are - my beautiful, perfect little man. love Mama xx

And the Oscar goes too....

YES ME....Just started a new job in the sales team of a National Food Company..and on day 2 I get invited to have a coffee with my very nice direct supervisor and as I round the corner and find myself in the morning tea area...I find we are not alone...she has invited her "friend" another coworker who happens to be very pregnant and due to go on maternity leave any day to give birth to her BOY.. well of course.
Its amazing isn't it - these situations that we find ourselves in. I love to talk to women about all things intimate and womanly and yet i find myself pretending to be the "shy one" as they giggle and discuss her impending birth and the last weeks...
If i just stare at them and through them as they chat and in my head go LA LA LA LA LA...i won't hear a thing. Wow I am so good the tears almost start and I can swallow them and nod and smile accordingly. Its all so f&^&$%^% but I must say I am impressive!!!!

Trying to make a baby

Ok so we have started trying...we are not taking any chances and this month we used the Ov tests and behaved like little rabbits when we got the green light..or is that the pink stripes. But I sit here with my damm period and try and psych myself up for the next chance. I just sooo want a baby, of course I want Noah thats the baby I want and I think about him all the time BUT since that is impossible I must try and make another little treasure. I am just so scared that I am just not going to ever get that baby in my arms.

I never wanted to focus on it like this...I just wanted to see what happened..go off the pill and see. But now after 2 miscarriages and Noah, I am 37 and I am now mildly obsessed...now it seems I have to "follow through" and get that baby.

I just thought it would be oh so easier....