And just like that...

I find myself facing the possibility of a new little baby in our home. I will be 10 weeks on Friday and in keeping with my scan addiction I had a sneak peek a few days ago and one rather vibrant little cashew with great heart beat of 171 was visible.
I suppose the most exciting part for me after surving pregnancy after surviving loss..is that I feel almost a bit normal..almost a bit like the old me...that this might just work, that i may just enjoy the process and not wring my hands in worry and angst MOST of the time and I may just get a baby. The confidence of having recently DONE this ..is lingering. And it feels good.

But for now we wait and see and hope that this little soul sticks.

Happy birthday my beautiful boy

Darling Noah,

How I think of you so often and WISH with all my heart you were tearing through the house right now. I wonder what you would like to eat, what toys you would prefer. Would you be a rough and tumble little boy into cars and dirt and making lots of noise or would you be a little more introspective and like to look at books and play quietly? Would you be a climber, a bolter, a chatterbox, a cuddly monkey? No doubt a mix of all of the above.

We will have a special cake for you this evening and light a couple of candles and send our love through the night sky to you. I looked at all your photos last night, remembering every little detail. How I wish I could have spent longer with you or I wish that I could even have those hours again. What a ridiculous and tragic idea that a mother should have to capture a lifetime of memories, your smell, your skin every little detail of you - in such a short time. It's impossible!!

So on this your second birthday - two long and sad years without you. I love you baby boy my first born son. Mama x

My precious boys

A drawing..from a photo..the one that I got for Xmas...of my most beautiful beloved first son Noah.
I have never before showed you an image of my sweetheart.

Then a photo of Morgan at about 2-3 weeks old...we (my husband, parents etc) could not believe how similiar they are.

They look so peaceful and sleepy...

I can still NOT comprehend that one of them is not here. I KNOW IT..I KNOW IT.. but it can still suck the breath out of me.

Noah....and....

Ok I am a bit silly.....funny that. I am a bit high and flying...lots of champagne ha ha ha

So my gorgeous Morgan boy will enjoy the bottle tonight - no booby for the time being. ...yes mummy wants you to wait for the tit...

My god even now.. I just skip the sad bits and pretend all is good.


Is there anybody OUT THERE....

Confrontation

I know i appear silent but I'm not... I have just told my brother that my baby died...does he remember. My precious baby died from a simple virus. He just stopped breathing....I am so SAD..when will i be better...when will others understand.

My how I've grown...

Not far away...

I cannot believe its been just over 2 months since my life changed forever..AGAIN. I am generally happy and content and I am not sure if I belong in this place anymore. Of course I think of my baby Noah .. many times a day. I think of him as a tiny wee one and as the imagined toddler that he would be now. And sometimes the tears well up or even spill over..but its not intense - in fact it has not really been intense for quite a while...even before Morgan came. I guess I am healing, and feel quite balanced and just used to my altered existence which is parenting my 3 children in very different ways. An almost teen, a tiny one and one that I so wish I could have with me.
But I still check in every day or so and am so pleased to see the recent couple of babies arrive.."well done mamas" and am still holding out to see many others get their BFP and happy ending too.
I know that I am always going to miss my baby and I expect I will ALWAYS have moments of that feeling when your tummy falls away and the tears come so quickly and the feelings just flood back.. but I know they are less and less..
So I enjoy my new little man and oh so gently and tenderly remember my other.