Friday, September 26, 2008

Happy one minute - sobbing the next

Well we saw our little one a few hours ago and they were very pleased with bub. Anatomy results were all excellent and in general it all appears really positive. One healthy little baby. Except for this placenta which is low lying or partially crossing my cervix. I have not had a doctor appointment with this scan, just saw a radiographer who takes his/her findings to the clinics doctor who writes a report which is sent to your ob or midwife or whoever you use. So what started as some concern as we left the scan has slowly escalated. I have managed to shriek at my husband and he has fled to his friends house for awhile with L in tow, I then have wandered around the house crying and wailing like I have not for quite a while. My god I am so scared, I know that the majority of placentas move up as the uterus expands but what if mine doesn't. I must say the hysterics, some frantic book reading and then some Dr Google has helped somewhat and brought me back to earth. Almost always this condition rectifies itself. But I have been on the shit end of the odds before. GRRRRR... I just want to catch a break!! Is that too MUCH TO ASK. I just feel so ANGRY. I want to smash things but then I would have to sweep them up and replace them DUR!!!

I know that even with L the placenta was low at the 20 week scan and yet had moved up by late pregnancy so I could and did push her out. I don't even remember being really concerned about it, in fact had forgotten it totally until I read my pregnancy journal that I wrote for her.

But hey thats back when I was an innocent schmuck. Now I am just a frightened, vulnerable fuckin nutcase. And it all involves just WAITING. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting to recover from your goddam D and C's or from the horror of stillbirth, waiting to not feel so shit, waiting to recover, waiting to conceive again, waiting for your period. I am SO tired today of waiting.. and yet thats what I am going to have to do.

I just hope more than anything the wait is worth it...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Riding the waves

Well its hard to believe but the weeks are passing and I am getting there - nearly half way. This pregnancy is so far a really my other 2 have been. If you ignore the deadly baby killing virus that I was none the wiser about. All is looking fine so far the only thing to keep an eye on is a low lying placenta that will hopefully rectify itself. The fact that it is all so routine is of course comforting and yet also kinda eerie. Will i know if something is going wrong this time and ACT. I know I just have to breathe through the manic moments and follow my instincts and get the best care and attention I can.
I am also trying to do 'different things' this pregnancy - superstitious lot us dead baby mums can be. Had not yet bought a cot and other baby furniture for Noah, so am planning to do that over the next few weeks and have the room set up probably by 3rd trimester. Also plan on finishing work a couple of weeks later than I did last time. Small stuff perhaps but helps my head. Also we have found out the sex "sorry my little secret" which I have never done before. We really just could not wait! Funny that..its like being pregnant for EVER...when you don't get to bring one home.
Mantra to self - Most babies LIVE, Most babies LIVE ... it really is one day at a time.