Tuesday, March 25, 2008

And the Oscar goes too....

YES ME....Just started a new job in the sales team of a National Food Company..and on day 2 I get invited to have a coffee with my very nice direct supervisor and as I round the corner and find myself in the morning tea area...I find we are not alone...she has invited her "friend" another coworker who happens to be very pregnant and due to go on maternity leave any day to give birth to her BOY.. well of course.
Its amazing isn't it - these situations that we find ourselves in. I love to talk to women about all things intimate and womanly and yet i find myself pretending to be the "shy one" as they giggle and discuss her impending birth and the last weeks...
If i just stare at them and through them as they chat and in my head go LA LA LA LA LA...i won't hear a thing. Wow I am so good the tears almost start and I can swallow them and nod and smile accordingly. Its all so f&^&$%^% but I must say I am impressive!!!!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Trying to make a baby

Ok so we have started trying...we are not taking any chances and this month we used the Ov tests and behaved like little rabbits when we got the green light..or is that the pink stripes. But I sit here with my damm period and try and psych myself up for the next chance. I just sooo want a baby, of course I want Noah thats the baby I want and I think about him all the time BUT since that is impossible I must try and make another little treasure. I am just so scared that I am just not going to ever get that baby in my arms.

I never wanted to focus on it like this...I just wanted to see what happened..go off the pill and see. But now after 2 miscarriages and Noah, I am 37 and I am now mildly obsessed...now it seems I have to "follow through" and get that baby.

I just thought it would be oh so easier....

Thursday, March 13, 2008

How could I be so stupid

I am so pissed off. My mind goes over the details of Noah dying every day and more and more I am hearing "what were you thinking" "how stupid could you have been" why would you think his movement was normal" and on and on.

I think in the early weeks I was obviously very upset and cried a lot but had felt 'more comfortable' about it being out of my control and rarely did feelings of blaming myself pop up. Now thats changing and sometimes when I think about it my tummy turns over - that physical feeling of dread sweeps over me.

Its all about the bloody placenta the goddam bloody placenta being Anterior. You see Noah became extremely anaemic due to me having Parvo Virus B19 - The virus stops his red blood cells from developing and its most likely he contracted it before 20 weeks (due to the outcome) So I never felt much movement around the normal time you start to notice..and then as the weeks go on the poor little guy is getting weaker and weaker - I am getting these half hearted movements, really hardly anything. But because the placenta was Anterior I was led to believe by my midwife and Dr Google and even a woman I know that had 2 babies with Anterior placentas...that YES movement can be felt MUCH later (first flutters as late as 23-24 weeks) YES movement can be quite muffled, YES you may not feel those sharp jabs or distinct turns etc because you have a CUSHION between you and your bubba.

So every few days I bring it up to my husband and he sets me straight..."don't be silly darling - remember what the midwife/internet/friend told you...its the placenta"
So I would have concerns but they were easily put to rest (for a few days) with these explanations. But do you know the shitty thing is my instinct did not "raise the alarm" My instinct that i live by and trust being the wise old witchy poo that I am - did not let me know. And that shits me. Cos if my fears were ongoing and stronger I absolutely would have demanded some more attention, I am not a little shy wallflower, I am confident and an advocate for myself with all things medical.

I even went to the hospital at about 25 weeks to check on my puffy swollen legs and they did a trace for quite a while on him and because his heart rate was nice and strong no further investigation. My god there are so many WHAT IFS...

The fact is he could have been saved, if this virus was detected they would have given him a blood transfusion in utero or got him out and done one then. Hey he may have had a big struggle and a fight on his hands but I SOOOOO wish he could of had that chance.

How could I be so stupid?? My god Angela you have been pregnant before, don't you remember what a healthy moving bub felt like. GRRRRRRRRRR *%*$*#*%*#*0

So many whys and what if's!!!!
Why was screening for this virus not part of a standard blood test during the pregnancy.
Why do we not have a couple more scans as 'standard practice' later in pregnancy.
Why do our beautiful babies die and little research is done into preventing it.

Friday, March 7, 2008


Finally I get around to putting up my delicious list.

In no particular order ... drum roll please.

Antonio Banderas - yummy, smouldering, looks like he would make it ALL about you..wink

Viggo Mortensen - little rough around the edges, doesn't run with the pack - plus an author and poet. Intelligent beefcake. Hee.

Jake Gyllenhaal - just young and cute and some more cute.

Colin Firth - Nice combo of English gent and your kind attentive good friend. More to him than meets the eye.

George Clooney - just oozes charm. Reckon he would smell nice too.

Robert Downey Jnr - well he would spice up your party, fabulous actor and he looks A LOT like my husband.

I am sure most of the gals have done this one by now - how about Mary Lou and MKV and Samantha

I have plenty of post ideas and comments to make - so I promise to write more over the next few days. x