Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas to All

Well we woke early in this house all excited to share our gifts with each other. And I got 'the nicest gift' from my sweetheart. A beautiful sketched picture of our Noah, beautifully framed and it is taking pride of place on our living room wall. I LOVE IT. His Aunt did it and she is a professional artist and she said to him a few tears were shed completely the work from photos we have. Well I can also say a few tears were shed upon opening it too. We have been teary and a bit emotional this morning...I can't stop admiring my beautiful son and this is intermingled with a very excited 11 year old and her new IPod Nano etc and some strong kicks into my ribs from within.... Its a strange kind of day isn't it...the happy with the sad...

To all of you at your very different stages on this journey, for some it is your first Christmas without your little person for others this is a familiar feeling, though I hope not as raw as the first one. Whatever, wherever, however...I wish you all the peace and comfort and love that I can send.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

30 weeks today and sane

A milestone reached!! Into the 30's and feeling heaps better than my last mental post. In fact I had a couple of hideous teary, anxious days and then something just snapped. I think I just got sick of feeling made the decision that I am just going to not be so anxious and scared and so far its working. Just feel a lot more balanced than before.

It amazing how the line in the sand just keeps changing - however now I could honestly say I have come to terms with likely caesarean and possible prem baby and I AM OK. Its already been hard, it will continue to be hard, a few more hurdles are not going to destroy me. The goal is to bring a baby home and thats just what I am going to focus on.

Am back seeing my acupuncturist weekly and she is a natural therapist with 20 yrs experience, that only deals with all things related to fertility, pregnancy, birth etc and she said she has still seen placentas move from 28 wks to be ok at 34 and has given me some more herbs to assist with this, plus a session of her magical needles that I do love. Now I am not 'expecting this news' think better for me to adjust to the C section etc - but it may be a nice suprise.

Next ob visit the 16th - scan on the 20th and then back to ob on the 30th to discuss the finding of the previous scan. So for now I enjoy summer, swimming and feasting on salads and seafood, tropical fruits and all the fun an Aussie Xmas brings AND i wait.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Not a happy lady

OK went to the doctor yesterday the senior ob Lee did not see me but one of her small team another ob woman who I have not met before. She seemed a little bit casual at first but once I insist on going over things, getting out my list of questions, talking about Noah, sounding anxious and frantic she definitely gave me plenty of time and consideration. Shame you sometimes have to push it to get the attention but as long as you get there in the end.
So my placenta is currently a grade III previa (half covering cervix) - and in her words not looking like it will move. However they won't officially talk caesarean until 34 weeks (early Jan)
From now on I see an ob every 2 weeks (pretty standard for 3rd trimester) plus they will do a scan again at 31 weeks and again 34 weeks.
She said gentle exercise is fine - just no squats with weights kinda stuff .. which I would not be doing anyway PLUS I have decided that husband and I can have a "play" but no penetration sex.
Of course I must watch out for a bleed and even if a tinge to go straight in and if I have pain or anything of course the same. If placenta does not move - chance of bleed after 34 weeks is about 50%. Some of the other random things that she mentioned was they may start giving me steroids next visit and that "the obs like anything over 2kg" (about 4lbs 4oz) - anything being my baby.
I must say during the first 10 mins of this appointment I was almost narcy..just sounding a bit sarcastic and basically angry. So after all of this info and lots of questions from me..I had to add so one more thing cos of course it can't get any more COMPLEX. BUT if I have a caesarean I know that I have an anterior placenta - what do you do then?? She said well they just cut through it and get bub - no risk to bub - but YOU have a much bigger chance of a big bleed like 1-1.5litres so they have to deal with that promptly or worst case hysterectomy time AAAHAHAH

So let me summarise and excuse the angry whinging BUT.

Placenta Previa - that will probably remain so
Increased Risk of bleeds and all the hazards to bub and me that brings
Reasonable chance of Post Partum Haemorrage (especially as had one with Noah)
Slim chance of Hysterectomy
Good chance of Premmie baby


I just don't know how I am going to do this!!! I can't believe I entered this pregnancy not so much high risk as "special care" due to emotional trauma and the frightening realisation that baby's die from many different causes...and NOW i am looking very much like high risk for actual medical reasons to add to the emotional scars. So woke about a dozen times during night to wipe and check and check and felt the most anxious I have in ages, tried to cry to get some relief and it was pathetic and half hearted. So just tried to breathe slowly and close my mouth to not 'overbreathe' and stared around the room. Horrible.

I am just terrified that I AM THE ONE, the horror story that we are all so afraid of. That my story will fuck up and I just don't think I, my marriage, my life would survive losing this much loved child. If i could just cut a deal but BE GUARANTEED the living baby at the end. Can I please just get to 33-34 weeks and I promise I can handle the caesaeran (piece of cake) some wringing of hands around a slightly premmie baby, expressing madly and having to wait to bring them home (no fun at all but at least they alive) hell I'll haemorrage and have a blood trans. (Been there done that)..JUST PLEASE GET ME MY BABY.