Thursday, April 3, 2008

5 months today...

and I want MY BABY...I MISSSS MY BABY!!!!! Not coping this very minute. Everyone that is commenting about how it gets worse before it gets better..i agree with. I was better off at 3 months then I have been in the last few weeks. Its just the reality has sunk in! This is real and this sucks. I don't want this to be my life, my story. I want to rewind and be naive and excited and hopeful and joyful. I don't want to go through the goddam motions in my new job or pretending to be excited and interested in almost every bloody social thing we do. I am just angry and sad and terrified and frustrated. But i just wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks to all you girls out there..the ones I love to read and who just "get me". You have made a truely shocking experience almost bearable.

....I love you Noah. Darling, how I wish more than anything I could hold you and kiss you and tell you how adored you are. What a brave little guy you are - my beautiful, perfect little man. love Mama xx

7 comments:

Natalie said...

Totally here with you today in this place of misery and longing for the past when things didn't hurt so damn much, when we had hopes and dreams and naivete. Hugs to you.

c. said...

I'm so sorry. I was just thinking this in the car today. I'm so much worse off than I was even just a couple of months ago. I'm hoping things will get better, but I can't really see how. Thinking of you and Noah. XO.

CLC said...

I am sorry. I am in this misery boat too. I so badly want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't think I ever will.
I would say maybe take a step back from social things if it's too much. You just lost your baby, you shouldn't have to pretend everything is ok when it is not. I know that is easier said than done, but..

Artblog said...

It's so hard, even when you finally get there there's a bit of you that pangs for the the lost babies. I'm sorry you have to feel like this too, have a big hug from me and hoping you'll feel joy one day too.

X Artblog

Amy said...

Ange,
I'm thinking of you and Noah. I think of all of our babies everyday, I think of all of my computer friends everyday.

I am so sorry.

Birdie said...

I just came upon your blog via the baby loss directory. I am so sorry that your sweet boy is not with you. Our daughter Birdie died on March 3 2007...she passed while I was in labor with her just before she could have been saved via emergency c-section...she was born still. Please know that we are here for you, that you can say anything and write anything here on your blog...It helped me SO much to write everthing I was thinking and feeling in the days, weeks and month after Birdie died. As time goes by your heart will begin to heal little by little...but it will never fully heal. The days will slowly get easier and the fog will lift. But please don't let anyone tell you how to grieve your baby, or that you need to move on or get over it...he was and still is your precious baby and always will be. You are right to keep him alive in your heart and soul. It is ok to talk about him even if it makes others uncomfortable. I wish you support and kindness in this hard and dark time. I am so sorry for your loss.

Much Love,
Erin, Birdies Mama

Brooke said...

Ange, thanks for coming by...
If its okay, I'm still interested in any info you have on parvovirus - I have since come across 3 other mothers who lost their babies for the same reason. I would eventually like to help raise awareness of the risks that "slapped cheek"/fifth disease poses. I myself had no idea that something relatively mild to children could actually kill an unborn child.

While we know now that my boy's fate was sealed from conception, I feel that by more people understanding the risks of fifth disease that they can be more vigilant and maybe we can save a life or two along the way.

Sending you some love from the other side of the country...