14w and 3d

Just a quick update to say things are progressing nicely so far. Had a good scan at 12wks and low risk for Downs and other trisomys etc. Its quite amazing after going through such a struggle there to be pregnant again and the time to be just ticking along without constant mental anguish. It's nice..real nice. Gorgeous Morgan has just started crawling and within a week is now pulling himself up to stand hanging onto the couch.. So fingers crossed he can walk before I get too massive.

Mid January we will have the next scan and yes we will be finding out the sex .. as Anthony said a couple of nights ago. "I need to know.. I need to know everything"!! "Does the baby have all its limbs, are the organs there and functioning, where is the placenta, does it look normal, what is the fluid level like, is the cord normal and performing well, is the baby all tangled up, is the heart beating and yes, what sex is it" I guess that's the new normal for people like us.

Thanks for your well wishes its much appreciated.

And just like that...

I find myself facing the possibility of a new little baby in our home. I will be 10 weeks on Friday and in keeping with my scan addiction I had a sneak peek a few days ago and one rather vibrant little cashew with great heart beat of 171 was visible.
I suppose the most exciting part for me after surving pregnancy after surviving loss..is that I feel almost a bit normal..almost a bit like the old me...that this might just work, that i may just enjoy the process and not wring my hands in worry and angst MOST of the time and I may just get a baby. The confidence of having recently DONE this ..is lingering. And it feels good.

But for now we wait and see and hope that this little soul sticks.

Happy birthday my beautiful boy

Darling Noah,

How I think of you so often and WISH with all my heart you were tearing through the house right now. I wonder what you would like to eat, what toys you would prefer. Would you be a rough and tumble little boy into cars and dirt and making lots of noise or would you be a little more introspective and like to look at books and play quietly? Would you be a climber, a bolter, a chatterbox, a cuddly monkey? No doubt a mix of all of the above.

We will have a special cake for you this evening and light a couple of candles and send our love through the night sky to you. I looked at all your photos last night, remembering every little detail. How I wish I could have spent longer with you or I wish that I could even have those hours again. What a ridiculous and tragic idea that a mother should have to capture a lifetime of memories, your smell, your skin every little detail of you - in such a short time. It's impossible!!

So on this your second birthday - two long and sad years without you. I love you baby boy my first born son. Mama x

My precious boys

A drawing..from a photo..the one that I got for Xmas...of my most beautiful beloved first son Noah.
I have never before showed you an image of my sweetheart.

Then a photo of Morgan at about 2-3 weeks old...we (my husband, parents etc) could not believe how similiar they are.

They look so peaceful and sleepy...

I can still NOT comprehend that one of them is not here. I KNOW IT..I KNOW IT.. but it can still suck the breath out of me.

Noah....and....

Ok I am a bit silly.....funny that. I am a bit high and flying...lots of champagne ha ha ha

So my gorgeous Morgan boy will enjoy the bottle tonight - no booby for the time being. ...yes mummy wants you to wait for the tit...

My god even now.. I just skip the sad bits and pretend all is good.


Is there anybody OUT THERE....

Confrontation

I know i appear silent but I'm not... I have just told my brother that my baby died...does he remember. My precious baby died from a simple virus. He just stopped breathing....I am so SAD..when will i be better...when will others understand.

My how I've grown...

Not far away...

I cannot believe its been just over 2 months since my life changed forever..AGAIN. I am generally happy and content and I am not sure if I belong in this place anymore. Of course I think of my baby Noah .. many times a day. I think of him as a tiny wee one and as the imagined toddler that he would be now. And sometimes the tears well up or even spill over..but its not intense - in fact it has not really been intense for quite a while...even before Morgan came. I guess I am healing, and feel quite balanced and just used to my altered existence which is parenting my 3 children in very different ways. An almost teen, a tiny one and one that I so wish I could have with me.
But I still check in every day or so and am so pleased to see the recent couple of babies arrive.."well done mamas" and am still holding out to see many others get their BFP and happy ending too.
I know that I am always going to miss my baby and I expect I will ALWAYS have moments of that feeling when your tummy falls away and the tears come so quickly and the feelings just flood back.. but I know they are less and less..
So I enjoy my new little man and oh so gently and tenderly remember my other.

Click Click Flash Flash...I am so popular!!

I did it!! I did it!!

I have a new man in my life and I am so in love.. He was born 28 January at 10.36am a perfect healthy - 3280 grams or 7lb 3

I am just home now and recovering well. I am stunned, thrilled, and just cannot believe how blessed we are to have him.

My perfect baby boy that we have named Morgan...

More details tomorrow with pics I promise.

xx

Nerves of steel!!!

I thought I would mislead you all with that Title. Hmmm nervous now, definite excitement too but very nervous. In 24 hours time I will be gowned up and getting ready for my turn.

Please beautiful baby hang in there.

Thanks for all your love and support. I could not have done any of this without you. Please think of us both as we try and navigate these last hours to the other side. Surreal!!

xx

This time next week....

Feeling very pregnant now - slow and tired, needing a nap in the middle of the day. Bubby is moving well and all seemed good at the ob appointment yesterday. As of last Friday the estimated weight was 6lb 4 so we are looking at around 7lb at 36 wk 6 days - the C section day. I can't believe I just have to get through 1 week, its seems nothing but it also seems endless and scary and as we know anything can happen. Denial is serving me well and keeping busy and distracted with our business. We have a couple of big quotes to get in this week - one of which would really set us up for the year..so am hoping we can secure that deal.

The room is not set up though - its not chaos but its not all baby pretty. Clothes have been washed and put in drawers but other than that there are little piles of stuff or baby gifts already given still in wrappers and a couple of boxes of baby toys - few books on a small bookshelf etc. Nothing pretty on the walls or anything. Just rather dull really.
The cot is not set up as I have always believed you get the baby before you put that up. So that big box and new mattress is leaning on a wall in our bedroom (as baby will be in my room for first weeks/months)

Wishing I could gush with excitement (which i do have moments of) but basically I am just existing.

Wake me when its over!!

Well I am hanging in there. Time is going fairly slowly and yet in 2 weeks this will all be done. The outcome will be decided and 'generally' I am feeling I will probably get a baby. I am 35 weeks today and I must say I am actually glad now that I don't have to get into the real end game of 38-40 weeks as I reckon I would have used up all my rational thoughts by that time.

It has been decided it will be a general so I am not even going to be conscious for the birth!! I think I am just surrendering to every new obstacle and this is helping a lot. Yes I would love to push my baby out and have that experience and to be the first person they see...but its just not going to be like that. So get over it!! My ob Lee did walk me through how it will all play out and so I can visualise things better and so I should be out for about 90mins and will wake in the recovery room with a little one and Daddy beside me waiting for a cuddle and a breastfeed. Ha thats the baby by the way. But wow oh my god!!!! This doctor is just so calm and reassuring and takes the time to go over the physical and emotional aspects and she talks like I am going to get a baby..and so goddam I am compelled to believe her. And it feels great to not be so scared and to be a bit like a normal pregnant woman, excited and expecting the best.

My missing Noah has definitely been put into a little box and hidden away at the moment. I just can't deal with that and this. I look at his beautiful drawing many times a day and I smile or go up to it and stoke his little face and say sweet things to him. But if I start having some sad or bad thoughts I immediately go on alert...SUPPRESS SUPPRESS.. i just can't think about it too much. I think I know a new wave of grieving is right around the corner and I am saving my strength for that.

Its amazing to have come this far and I am so grateful for the chance to bring a new baby into our life. And so I wait...

Happy Birthday to me...

We have a date!!

28th January..my 38th birthday.

This has to be a good omen .. do you think?? I always consider 28 to be my lucky number too.

My god excited, nervous, terrified, thrilled...did I mention anxious. You know the usual MANIC range of emotions..flooding through in a matter of minutes.

The finish line

Well I am home now...had not had any blood for 48 hours and so am to lay low at home and hopefully avoid further bleeding.
Was very pleased to be given some very clear info and answers.
1. It will be a c section at around 36/37 weeks - EXACT DATE TBA within the next week.
2. If i bleed again I go back into hospital until the baby comes.
3. Another doc appointment and scan next week to keep me going.
4. Head consultant will perform the surgery as it is a high risk caesar

So by the end of January this baby should be born and I hope with every ounce within me that all will be well and I get my happy ending.

Because I must make even a c section more complicated ... one of the negs is that because the placenta is anterior they must cut through it and get bub out straight away. There is a greater chance than a with a normal caesar of bleeding that cannot be stopped and so in very rare cases and I guess to save your life a hysterectomy needs to be performed. SOO in light of this they (they being the head consultant my lovely lady Lee and her team) are in discussion about perhaps doing the section under a general. You almost have to laugh.. or cry... hmmm.

So I did my usual freak out and then more calmly examined this info in my head and even visualised the surgery taking place in a calm, orderly, highly efficient way..not like a emergency room after a car accident - like you might see on the TV. And after a lovely sleep in ... in my own bed... am feeling better about it all.

You know what ... WHATEVER .. if I have a general and I am woken in recovery with a beaming husband holding a photo of a live baby or perhaps even the 'real thing' and he tells me all is fine with our little one and that I also still have a uterus intact. Well thats a pretty good day out isn't it.

Its amazing how the line just changes and you just keep 'dealing with it'. I must be tougher than I ever thought.

Now I have a pile of about 8 DVD's to keep me on the couch...so off I go. xxx

First Blood - Part 1

Well not quite taken from a scene from Rambo..but Sunday morning woke up to "oooww I am peeing myself must do more PF excercises" put hand down there and its red. Rush to the toilet and had a gush. Not a scary scary one but a bit more than most peoples period one. Ant is up with me and I tell him to wake Luka we are off to the hospital. Had just felt bubby move in bed so was not so much worried as almost excited..maybe we are getting out baby a bit early!!! Anyway to get to the point...its now Tuesday morning and am still in hospital. The loss continued (couple of small clots and like a period..until Sunday evening and then nothing its just 'brown town now' - sorry the details are so friendly heee.
So have had a very comprehensive scan with biophysical profile stuff in it..and all very good. Nothing sinister looking at all. And bub a good size at 33wk 5 days 2.5kg or about 5lb 7. Have had the 2 steroid shots to mature lungs in case things escalated and been on the CTG every 6 hours and baby behaving perfectly lots of movement and great heart rate - responding at the right times etc..they happy. As you can see I am quite upbeat at present mainly due to getting some SLEEP (discovered am allowed some sleeping tabs and bought ear plugs) Praise be to the Temazapan god!!!) First night had only 2 hours tossing turning stressing and just uncomfortable noisy hospital rooms - oh and did I mention that I am in post labour maternity wards - yes thats right with mums and babies and about 6 rooms away from where i spent 6 long arduous toughest nights of my life 14 months ago. GRRRR...GOD. So couple of massive 'silent' sobs into my pillow first afternoon/evening. It was all just way too familiar..the smells, sounds and here I am IN THIS PLACE again and No baby... At least they had the consideration to put me in with 2 mums that babies are in special care..not scary NICU but born around 33 - 34 weeks so will be home in a week or so...although during the night that changed and a Mum and new baby girl arrived across from me. Always a bit better that its a girl though for me - silly huh.
So anyway goal for today is to get this CALLED by the head ob Lee who is visiting me. Yes you have placenta previa and it WILL be a caesaerean .. and then I want a finish line..and a date in a calender to strive for. Wish me luck and thanks for you support beautiful girls.

Happy New Year from the bitter and twisted..

I love a New year and I am most pleased to see the back of 2008. Cannot believe that I am here well into my last trimester and hopefully bringing a baby home in a few weeks. This really is a form of torture though...the days drag and I am SO aware of how many days till this milestone or how many days to that event which will help time pass. However I am busy helping launch our new business and putting the finishing touches on the website and starting some internet and RL marketing. So am expecting 2009 will be quite a nice financial year..thats one thing huh..but of course all rather insignificant compared to the REAL goal of 09.

I remember earlier in this pregnancy I wrote that I would do things a bit differently and part of that involved getting the room ready earlier etc...well up until a week ago had basically done NOTHING. Denial, terror, laziness - all of the above. However over the last days have bought a nice white cot, a swish baby carrier and have even started sorting though some clothes and toys etc.. So ever so slowly I am starting to face the possibility that I might get a little baby again. Sigh!!

Yesterday while reading the paper over breakfast I had a spontaneous sob - its weird how they just side swipe you. They had this big article on the 3 YES 3..new babies that had been born on the side of roads on the way to hospital in my city on New Years day. And each family gushed about how amazing it had been, and how overwhelming and exciting. And the tears just flowed..and the old familiar feelings. Why do they get their baby? Why did I not get my happy ending. How happy and naive and joyful they are and HOW LUCKY. But of course it passed fairly quickly and I regrouped and "got on" with my day.

Then later in the afternoon, Ant came home and said I am not sure if I should tell you this..and of course proceeded to tell me anyway...about a couple that we have not had much to do with over the years, however the husband David saved Antonys life when they were early 20's (another long story) and they recently reconnected. Well we have been to there place for dinner once and they came to ours and they are very nice people (but a little straight for me) Anyway she has had her 2nd baby on New Years day she is a week ahead of me so the baby has come 6 weeks early and he is healthy and fine a bit over 5lbs. He is a little brother for their other cute little son about 17 months .. ( and my Noah would have been 14 months today) .
So of course what does any normal dead baby mama think about such news. Do warm loving feeling flood her body...well NO more like hot flashes of ENVY, and almost despair that someone else has got their 2 babies and I still have not gone my 1.
This is actually the 2nd couple in our midst that has done this over the last couple of weeks. We casually know another couple that had a little boy a few days after Noah died and also just popped out the 2nd kid around Christmas. How fucking clever!!!!!

Its just so hard this WHOLE journey...I want to wake up when its over. If anyone can find me an article to back up the idea that guzzling a bottle of wine is BENEFICIAL to the unborn child I would be most grateful.

One day at a time...