Saturday, January 3, 2009

Happy New Year from the bitter and twisted..

I love a New year and I am most pleased to see the back of 2008. Cannot believe that I am here well into my last trimester and hopefully bringing a baby home in a few weeks. This really is a form of torture though...the days drag and I am SO aware of how many days till this milestone or how many days to that event which will help time pass. However I am busy helping launch our new business and putting the finishing touches on the website and starting some internet and RL marketing. So am expecting 2009 will be quite a nice financial year..thats one thing huh..but of course all rather insignificant compared to the REAL goal of 09.

I remember earlier in this pregnancy I wrote that I would do things a bit differently and part of that involved getting the room ready earlier etc...well up until a week ago had basically done NOTHING. Denial, terror, laziness - all of the above. However over the last days have bought a nice white cot, a swish baby carrier and have even started sorting though some clothes and toys etc.. So ever so slowly I am starting to face the possibility that I might get a little baby again. Sigh!!

Yesterday while reading the paper over breakfast I had a spontaneous sob - its weird how they just side swipe you. They had this big article on the 3 YES babies that had been born on the side of roads on the way to hospital in my city on New Years day. And each family gushed about how amazing it had been, and how overwhelming and exciting. And the tears just flowed..and the old familiar feelings. Why do they get their baby? Why did I not get my happy ending. How happy and naive and joyful they are and HOW LUCKY. But of course it passed fairly quickly and I regrouped and "got on" with my day.

Then later in the afternoon, Ant came home and said I am not sure if I should tell you this..and of course proceeded to tell me anyway...about a couple that we have not had much to do with over the years, however the husband David saved Antonys life when they were early 20's (another long story) and they recently reconnected. Well we have been to there place for dinner once and they came to ours and they are very nice people (but a little straight for me) Anyway she has had her 2nd baby on New Years day she is a week ahead of me so the baby has come 6 weeks early and he is healthy and fine a bit over 5lbs. He is a little brother for their other cute little son about 17 months .. ( and my Noah would have been 14 months today) .
So of course what does any normal dead baby mama think about such news. Do warm loving feeling flood her body...well NO more like hot flashes of ENVY, and almost despair that someone else has got their 2 babies and I still have not gone my 1.
This is actually the 2nd couple in our midst that has done this over the last couple of weeks. We casually know another couple that had a little boy a few days after Noah died and also just popped out the 2nd kid around Christmas. How fucking clever!!!!!

Its just so hard this WHOLE journey...I want to wake up when its over. If anyone can find me an article to back up the idea that guzzling a bottle of wine is BENEFICIAL to the unborn child I would be most grateful.

One day at a time...


Hope's Mama said...

I'll get googling for you... xoxo

k@lakly said...

If it makes you feel any better, I still get those feelings, and I DID get my Cason after. How fucked up is that?
I hate it.
Only a few more weeks, that's so amazing! I can't wait for you. And yay for you for getting the baby stuff, that's HOPE, and it's a good thing:)

banbear2 said...

It is a sucky feeling isn't it??? Knowing you should feel happy for someone and not being able to. My sister in law gave birth to her second child 5 months after Raymond died and I actually cried for days every time I thought of it. How is it she had 2 beautiful kids and I couldn't manage one? And now with this pregnancy being so complicated I am so envious of all my friends who had blissfully unaware 40 week multiple pregnancies and here I am hoping my baby can make it until 28 or 30 weeks. Life can be so unfair. But so glad that you are able to prepare for the birth of your new little one that's a big step forward.

Rosalind said...

WOW!! only a couple more weeks..How exciting! how I wish I could press fast forward .. Congrats on getting the baby stuff..That's huge Sweety

c. said...

I'll look for that article. I'm hoping someone can find the one that says that guzzling a bottle of wine is beneficial for anyone. I've done my fair share of guzzling, never really considered it a good idea the next day ;o)

Wishing you only wonderful and good things in 2009. XO.

Amy said...

Hoping for all of the good things coming your way in 2009 to be all that you hoped they would be!

G$ said...

I think we will always have that hot envy come up, even after we get our "happy ending" - its just a fucked up side effect. Feel it and move past it :)

I am so excited at how far you are! February is the best month to be born. The coolest people are born in that month :) :)


CLC said...

If those feelings are bitter and twisted, then count me in that club too. I hate it, but it just is. I just try not to express them to anyone other than in this place. It's almost time Ange- hang in there!!