Well I am hanging in there. Time is going fairly slowly and yet in 2 weeks this will all be done. The outcome will be decided and 'generally' I am feeling I will probably get a baby. I am 35 weeks today and I must say I am actually glad now that I don't have to get into the real end game of 38-40 weeks as I reckon I would have used up all my rational thoughts by that time.
It has been decided it will be a general so I am not even going to be conscious for the birth!! I think I am just surrendering to every new obstacle and this is helping a lot. Yes I would love to push my baby out and have that experience and to be the first person they see...but its just not going to be like that. So get over it!! My ob Lee did walk me through how it will all play out and so I can visualise things better and so I should be out for about 90mins and will wake in the recovery room with a little one and Daddy beside me waiting for a cuddle and a breastfeed. Ha thats the baby by the way. But wow oh my god!!!! This doctor is just so calm and reassuring and takes the time to go over the physical and emotional aspects and she talks like I am going to get a baby..and so goddam I am compelled to believe her. And it feels great to not be so scared and to be a bit like a normal pregnant woman, excited and expecting the best.
My missing Noah has definitely been put into a little box and hidden away at the moment. I just can't deal with that and this. I look at his beautiful drawing many times a day and I smile or go up to it and stoke his little face and say sweet things to him. But if I start having some sad or bad thoughts I immediately go on alert...SUPPRESS SUPPRESS.. i just can't think about it too much. I think I know a new wave of grieving is right around the corner and I am saving my strength for that.
Its amazing to have come this far and I am so grateful for the chance to bring a new baby into our life. And so I wait...