Happy one minute - sobbing the next

Well we saw our little one a few hours ago and they were very pleased with bub. Anatomy results were all excellent and in general it all appears really positive. One healthy little baby. Except for this placenta which is low lying or partially crossing my cervix. I have not had a doctor appointment with this scan, just saw a radiographer who takes his/her findings to the clinics doctor who writes a report which is sent to your ob or midwife or whoever you use. So what started as some concern as we left the scan has slowly escalated. I have managed to shriek at my husband and he has fled to his friends house for awhile with L in tow, I then have wandered around the house crying and wailing like I have not for quite a while. My god I am so scared, I know that the majority of placentas move up as the uterus expands but what if mine doesn't. I must say the hysterics, some frantic book reading and then some Dr Google has helped somewhat and brought me back to earth. Almost always this condition rectifies itself. But I have been on the shit end of the odds before. GRRRRR... I just want to catch a break!! Is that too MUCH TO ASK. I just feel so ANGRY. I want to smash things but then I would have to sweep them up and replace them DUR!!!

I know that even with L the placenta was low at the 20 week scan and yet had moved up by late pregnancy so I could and did push her out. I don't even remember being really concerned about it, in fact had forgotten it totally until I read my pregnancy journal that I wrote for her.

But hey thats back when I was an innocent schmuck. Now I am just a frightened, vulnerable fuckin nutcase. And it all involves just WAITING. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting to recover from your goddam D and C's or from the horror of stillbirth, waiting to not feel so shit, waiting to recover, waiting to conceive again, waiting for your period. I am SO tired today of waiting.. and yet thats what I am going to have to do.

I just hope more than anything the wait is worth it...

Riding the waves

Well its hard to believe but the weeks are passing and I am getting there - nearly half way. This pregnancy is so far a breeze..as really my other 2 have been. If you ignore the deadly baby killing virus that I was none the wiser about. All is looking fine so far the only thing to keep an eye on is a low lying placenta that will hopefully rectify itself. The fact that it is all so routine is of course comforting and yet also kinda eerie. Will i know if something is going wrong this time and ACT. I know I just have to breathe through the manic moments and follow my instincts and get the best care and attention I can.
I am also trying to do 'different things' this pregnancy - superstitious lot us dead baby mums can be. Had not yet bought a cot and other baby furniture for Noah, so am planning to do that over the next few weeks and have the room set up probably by 3rd trimester. Also plan on finishing work a couple of weeks later than I did last time. Small stuff perhaps but helps my head. Also we have found out the sex "sorry my little secret" which I have never done before. We really just could not wait! Funny that..its like being pregnant for EVER...when you don't get to bring one home.
Mantra to self - Most babies LIVE, Most babies LIVE ... it really is one day at a time.

This one wants to stick

Have just had my 3 month scan today and it reveals a very healthy active wriggling baby. With a heartbeat (always my favourite bit). I am so relieved to find someone in there although as I am already looking pregnant I did suspect things might be working out. But wow its good to have confirmation that I have got past this first hill. With a few mountains still to cross. But you know I have decided that I am just going to enjoy this experience (well try my very best) and expect good things for this little one. So for today as least I am happy.

Still hanging in there

Just a quick update that the new bean is a bit over 9 wks and heart pumping away at 176. Feeling a bit more positive and even getting a tiny bit excited if I allow myself. Lets face it I am invested in this little peanut..how can we not be..and if anything f%#*s up I will be curled up in a miserable ball.
Come on baby..you can do it!!

Remembering Noah

Have been thinking more and more about getting some mementos for Noah and to finally get a photo or 2 in frames or something. I realise as time is passing by that he is not brought up as much by friends or family and as I always want his name said and his little self thought about I had best make sure they get reminded. Especially if this bean does actually grow...I must ensure that a 'new pregnancy' does not overshadow that my second child, my only son is not here.
So I have been considering some jewellery or even a tattoo. I saw another dead baby mum had a footprint on her foot and I really liked the concept of it and although I have not got any other tatts I do like the idea of getting his actual little foot print copied onto mine.

Its discreet and private if I want it to be, however as its summer 9 months of the year here, it would be also out there for the world to see. I like that i could look down and be reminded of him and that it also says he is walking with me and that his Mama is carrying him. What do you think of that idea girls and what other things have you done? Part of the reason I don't have photos around is because he had been dead for a few days by the time he arrived and they are not that 'family friendly' Funny isn't it how as a proud mum you still kinda want to show them to people and go "Look at my cute little guy, don't worry about that skin peeling off and the dark purple bits, isn't he just a darlin" while the poor unexpected viewer picks themselves off the floor. Oh dear!!

So any ideas would be great...

So Far So Good...

Thanks for the kind wishes and sorry I did not reply after the scan. But to be honest I was so stunned and pissed off for C that it was the last thing on my mind.
Well the news as of Friday was - one live bean - 6 wk 3 days and heartbeat of 120 - all looking fine. Had been a tiny (doctors words) bleed away from bub but they showed no concern re that.
So I sit and wait and wait and wait and plot and plan for another scan in couple of weeks to see if things are progressing still.
Feel rather numb re the whole thing - just trying not to invest. Taking one day at a time.

My baby boy

How I miss you darling boy. Can it really be 8 months since I saw your pretty little face. I look at bigger babies now, babies that sit up and maybe crawl and are getting some teeth. And I wonder what you would be like. I think of how things could have been and I am sorry that I did not know you were sick in my tummy darling. The effect your little life has had on your daddy and me and your big sister is so profound. We talk about you, we cry about you, we smile and remember the smallest little things and feel such love in our hearts - and its all for you Noah.

Today Mummy is frightened and also hopeful, she is going to have a scan to see if she has another baby just starting to grow. I must be brave just as you were.

I love you.