Placenta not playing nice.

This morning had a scan to check on beautiful baby and my placenta. I am 28 weeks and little one is looking good. Measuring about 1.3kg (2.8lbs) which is a little chunky for this stage. Plus good fluid, great cord blood flow etc etc. So was very happy and relieved to see and hear all that. HOWEVER my placenta is still low and appears to actually cover my cervix a little. I have called my doctor to get her opinion on the scan results and her advice for this stage but no reply as yet.
So until I talk to her I won't "call it" placenta praevia but its looking like its not going to move. BLOODY HELL.

So if it was 'just' that I need to have a C section then I would adjust my head to this idea and of course would just deal with it. Anything for a healthy live baby and healthy Mum right!! But its not just that..google this condition people and you will discover it makes me "high risk" as if having a dead baby last time was not "high risk enough". Greater risks of bleeds, and placental abruptions and other such fun stuff.
I have had my big cry session but I am trying to 'wait' until I talk to Dr Lee until I start to worry too much.

Any ideas or advice or some fabulous outcome stories would be great. Please can you guys cheer me up.

Eyes Open

Well things sure are interesting being pregnant after surviving a 3rd trimester loss. Some days go by fairly quickly and other times it seems to be SO SLOW and that finish line just so far away. I really don't know how I am going to get through the many weeks ahead. I was reading that at this stage 26weeks 'babies eyes are opening' - how sweet, how amazing. And all I can think of is 'please stay open'. My dear friend K is 'getting her baby tomorrow' and I am SO excited for her. I just cannot imagine the anxiety to be that close. But it also gives me such encouragement to just plod along one day at a time and soon enough, hopefully it will be my turn, my happy ending.

Surviving 1st Birthdays's

Well my little one, your Mummy got through a rather hard week. Missing you more than ever and wishing she could be watching your toothy grin as you squealed with delight over cake and presents. Or hey maybe you would just be more interested in playing with the paper and in the box than with those new toys and books.
I love you little darling boy. I miss you.

Bits and Pieces

YAY...I get to have a ramble too. Thanks K.

1. Where is your cell phone? Beside my bed
2. Where is your significant other? At work
3. Your hair color? Auburn
4. Your mother? Unconditional

5. Your father? Soppy

6. Your favorite thing? Eating

7. Your dream last night? Scary

8. Your dream/goal? Little Eyes open

9. The room you’re in? Lovely

10. Your hobby? Talking

11. Your fear? The words "I'm sorry"......

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Everywhere

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you’re not? A wallflower

15. One of your wish list items? Organic vegie garden

16. Where you grew up? Australia

17. The last thing you did? Egg on Toast

18. What are you wearing? Gym clothes

19. Your T.V.? Handy

20. Your pet? Crazy cat lady

21. Your computer? Essential

22. Your mood? Hopeful

23. Missing someone? Gently

24. Your car? Zippy

25. Something you’re not wearing? Make up

26. Favorite store? Funky

27. Your Summer? Coming

28. Love someone? Big time

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? Oct 15th

Big sister love

This is my daughters contribution to the monthly newsletter of our local 'Still Birth Support Group Org' As Noah's birthday is coming up we have been allocated a page to share our feelings and thoughts. She wrote this a couple of weeks after he died on beautiful butterfly paper that she carefully selected.

Noah I really love you, I hope you can hear me because of course this is true.
Noah I just want to tell you that I love you and I always will.
I saw you grow up in my mummy's tummy.
I guess you were just not ready.
Everyday I will come and talk to you. Even bring a secret or two.
We made you a beautiful garden so you can rest.
We gave you your name because it means 'peaceful and restful"
I'll remember the perfect name for my little brother Noah.
Noah I really do love you. Happy 1st Birthday Your big sister Luka xxoox

Happy one minute - sobbing the next

Well we saw our little one a few hours ago and they were very pleased with bub. Anatomy results were all excellent and in general it all appears really positive. One healthy little baby. Except for this placenta which is low lying or partially crossing my cervix. I have not had a doctor appointment with this scan, just saw a radiographer who takes his/her findings to the clinics doctor who writes a report which is sent to your ob or midwife or whoever you use. So what started as some concern as we left the scan has slowly escalated. I have managed to shriek at my husband and he has fled to his friends house for awhile with L in tow, I then have wandered around the house crying and wailing like I have not for quite a while. My god I am so scared, I know that the majority of placentas move up as the uterus expands but what if mine doesn't. I must say the hysterics, some frantic book reading and then some Dr Google has helped somewhat and brought me back to earth. Almost always this condition rectifies itself. But I have been on the shit end of the odds before. GRRRRR... I just want to catch a break!! Is that too MUCH TO ASK. I just feel so ANGRY. I want to smash things but then I would have to sweep them up and replace them DUR!!!

I know that even with L the placenta was low at the 20 week scan and yet had moved up by late pregnancy so I could and did push her out. I don't even remember being really concerned about it, in fact had forgotten it totally until I read my pregnancy journal that I wrote for her.

But hey thats back when I was an innocent schmuck. Now I am just a frightened, vulnerable fuckin nutcase. And it all involves just WAITING. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting to recover from your goddam D and C's or from the horror of stillbirth, waiting to not feel so shit, waiting to recover, waiting to conceive again, waiting for your period. I am SO tired today of waiting.. and yet thats what I am going to have to do.

I just hope more than anything the wait is worth it...

Riding the waves

Well its hard to believe but the weeks are passing and I am getting there - nearly half way. This pregnancy is so far a breeze..as really my other 2 have been. If you ignore the deadly baby killing virus that I was none the wiser about. All is looking fine so far the only thing to keep an eye on is a low lying placenta that will hopefully rectify itself. The fact that it is all so routine is of course comforting and yet also kinda eerie. Will i know if something is going wrong this time and ACT. I know I just have to breathe through the manic moments and follow my instincts and get the best care and attention I can.
I am also trying to do 'different things' this pregnancy - superstitious lot us dead baby mums can be. Had not yet bought a cot and other baby furniture for Noah, so am planning to do that over the next few weeks and have the room set up probably by 3rd trimester. Also plan on finishing work a couple of weeks later than I did last time. Small stuff perhaps but helps my head. Also we have found out the sex "sorry my little secret" which I have never done before. We really just could not wait! Funny that..its like being pregnant for EVER...when you don't get to bring one home.
Mantra to self - Most babies LIVE, Most babies LIVE ... it really is one day at a time.