This one wants to stick

Have just had my 3 month scan today and it reveals a very healthy active wriggling baby. With a heartbeat (always my favourite bit). I am so relieved to find someone in there although as I am already looking pregnant I did suspect things might be working out. But wow its good to have confirmation that I have got past this first hill. With a few mountains still to cross. But you know I have decided that I am just going to enjoy this experience (well try my very best) and expect good things for this little one. So for today as least I am happy.

Still hanging in there

Just a quick update that the new bean is a bit over 9 wks and heart pumping away at 176. Feeling a bit more positive and even getting a tiny bit excited if I allow myself. Lets face it I am invested in this little peanut..how can we not be..and if anything f%#*s up I will be curled up in a miserable ball.
Come on baby..you can do it!!

Remembering Noah

Have been thinking more and more about getting some mementos for Noah and to finally get a photo or 2 in frames or something. I realise as time is passing by that he is not brought up as much by friends or family and as I always want his name said and his little self thought about I had best make sure they get reminded. Especially if this bean does actually grow...I must ensure that a 'new pregnancy' does not overshadow that my second child, my only son is not here.
So I have been considering some jewellery or even a tattoo. I saw another dead baby mum had a footprint on her foot and I really liked the concept of it and although I have not got any other tatts I do like the idea of getting his actual little foot print copied onto mine.

Its discreet and private if I want it to be, however as its summer 9 months of the year here, it would be also out there for the world to see. I like that i could look down and be reminded of him and that it also says he is walking with me and that his Mama is carrying him. What do you think of that idea girls and what other things have you done? Part of the reason I don't have photos around is because he had been dead for a few days by the time he arrived and they are not that 'family friendly' Funny isn't it how as a proud mum you still kinda want to show them to people and go "Look at my cute little guy, don't worry about that skin peeling off and the dark purple bits, isn't he just a darlin" while the poor unexpected viewer picks themselves off the floor. Oh dear!!

So any ideas would be great...

So Far So Good...

Thanks for the kind wishes and sorry I did not reply after the scan. But to be honest I was so stunned and pissed off for C that it was the last thing on my mind.
Well the news as of Friday was - one live bean - 6 wk 3 days and heartbeat of 120 - all looking fine. Had been a tiny (doctors words) bleed away from bub but they showed no concern re that.
So I sit and wait and wait and wait and plot and plan for another scan in couple of weeks to see if things are progressing still.
Feel rather numb re the whole thing - just trying not to invest. Taking one day at a time.

My baby boy

How I miss you darling boy. Can it really be 8 months since I saw your pretty little face. I look at bigger babies now, babies that sit up and maybe crawl and are getting some teeth. And I wonder what you would be like. I think of how things could have been and I am sorry that I did not know you were sick in my tummy darling. The effect your little life has had on your daddy and me and your big sister is so profound. We talk about you, we cry about you, we smile and remember the smallest little things and feel such love in our hearts - and its all for you Noah.

Today Mummy is frightened and also hopeful, she is going to have a scan to see if she has another baby just starting to grow. I must be brave just as you were.

I love you.

Another chance

I have a secret...well its a secret in RL - but I had to share it here first. Yes two pink lines for me a few days ago. What a mix of emotions. Firstly I am sorry that this causes some people real distress who are trying and with no success so far. But remember that was me last month and the month before. And its only 2 pink lines - who knows if it means more than that. But oh please oh please. I am a good person, a good mummy, a good friend please let me have the chance to love another baby. PLEASE....
I have booked an early scan to see if anyone is in there for end of next week. And until I know further I just hope time flys by, I hope for many many things..but right now this Bean carrier needs to sleep.

Still here..

Its amazing that over 6 weeks have passed since I last wrote, although I have never been that prolific now have I. I still have a look every week or so and leave a few comments, but I guess there are two reasons I have not been a regular. 1. That i generally feel better and sometimes reading more sad stories etc sets off the tears and brings me down. and 2. Seemed to be so many pregnancies and while I am genuinely thrilled and excited for this...I can't help feel a bit left out and a bit envious. I want to yell out " don't leave me behind..wait for me..I want to join in on the next stage with you" Especially the women that I consider to be part of 'my group' the ones who lost bubbys within a couple of months of me.
So I am actively trying to make a baby...we did the ovulation tests for 3 months with no success so this month we have just 'gone for it' around the right time and we will wait and see. I also have done 2 sessions of acupuncture and am taking some Chinese herbs. I have even booked in with a fertility specialist in July, not that I think fertility is really my issue. Shit this is pregnancy 6 I am aiming for so I can very much get pregnant..its bringing home the baby that I suck at.

..but cos i am 37 I just want to know I have the IVF intervention back up if I need. Even doing all these things makes me feel proactive and just doing something and for me that helps. Hopefully it will just happen while I am distracted by all this. Fingers crossed and legs open.