A Little Bit Lost

40 weeks today - pregnant that is

2011-08-17T08:44:00.002+10:00

Yes I had a oops pregnancy and am 40 weeks today and waiting to see if I can manage a VBAC after 2 c sections and 2 regular...

Crazy times but hoping to see my new little bubba any day now!!

Time flys when you miss someone

2010-11-02T20:20:00.002+10:00

Another year missing, wondering, wishing.
Happy 3rd birthday my beautiful boy.
No words just tears
Love Mummy

Making her debut - Sylvie

2010-06-04T13:33:00.007+10:00

Gorgeous little girl is here - arriving 25 May at 9.17am a thriving 3.36kg or 7lb 6oz and with a shrill cry as she entered this world.

We are amazed at how lucky we are to have this new baby girl with us.

7 sleeps or is that wakes

2010-05-18T21:39:00.002+10:00

Have been home again for a few days and am now in the final days of this pregnancy...very very likely the last pregnancy I ever have. Am still feeling really good and have put on minimal weight and no aches and pains to speak of for a heavily pregnant chick of 39 to complain about. Hard to believe I am looking down the tunnel again at the end in sight. Will we get there - I have to believe we will. Much less anxiety than with Morgan but it will NEVER fade that at any time the crash could come.
For all the pain in the ass drama of having placenta previa - part of me is grateful that decisions are made for me and a C section at 37wks is the best option and I don't have to deal with the freak out of going into labour and wondering could I go past 40 or 39 or??? then to completly contradict that I do feel a bit peeved that I can't just push this little one out as I would imagine on Vag birth number 3 I would be getting pretty good at it. But oh well. Its the live baby that I care about....
So off to sleep for this little mama.

Hospital again...

2010-05-11T15:05:00.002+10:00

Here I sit after my third bleed...man am I weary of this place. Its noisy and shiny and everyone else seems to have their babies with them. If things settle again they will let me go home again hopefully by the weekend.

But for now I am in THIS PLACE. Its also the same hospital - the same ward I have had the worst and best birth related experiences in the last 3 years Sigh..

Its hard to be so close to the room that I said goodbye to my baby boy. I have found myself creeping around at night looking for black butterflies on the doors of rooms (the SIGN that a stillbirth has occurred) and on only one other visit have I come across it. My husband immediately rushed out to get flowers and we carefully wrote a card - trying to express our sorrow for there most shocking loss.

Looking to the future but also looking to the past - thats what being back in this place is like.

If all goes well this time in 2 weeks I will again be back in this ward BUT this time I hope to have my very only precious bundle of healthy baby goodness.

I have a date

2010-05-02T10:36:00.003+10:00

I will have a C section May 25th - this is just over 3 weeks away and I am feeling stronger and more confident as I have been out of hospital for over 10 days again. I have passed 34wks and baby would be close to 6lb and we are certainly in the zone for getting a real take home baby. I had a little internal flip out this morning when we had no movement as I lay in bed for about 10mins but then I get the little nudges I need and the planets realign again. Sigh.

High Maintenance

2010-04-23T12:30:00.002+10:00

Yes its official I am a high maintenance pregnant woman. I have officially got placenta previa again and have spent a week out of the last 3 in hospital with two different bleeds. I am 33 wks today and we are just trying to get me to 37 and will have a C section. Its stressful and frustrating and I don't understand why I can't catch a break with this delivery thing. But on a positive note baby girl moves well and often and that helps to keep her mother sane. I just hope my body can settle down and just hold her in for another month without any more middle of the night freakouts.

Ange x

Baby girl update

2010-03-08T17:56:00.002+10:00

Have been feeling great - almost like a normal pregnancy and time is just passing by. Went for a check on her and placenta scan a few days ago and it is still low and covered - just not as fully covered as the half way scan. So it is migrating but I am not expecting it to move enough that I can avoid the C section and the potential dramas that come with placenta previa.

So am taking a fairly cautious approach and have advertised for an au pair to move in and for free room and meals they help out for a few hours a day. Its perfect for young travellers and Australia gets plenty of them - so have a German girl and a Swedish girl that are keen to meet with me. I just want to do anything to keep me out of hospital or to prevent bleeding etc and just get to 36-37 weeks again.

So for now I just wait and watch this tummy grow and enjoy family and friends. Its probably normal for all of you but after nearly 2 1/2 years I still think about my darling Noah many times a day - does that ever end. I miss my gorgeous 2 year old boy.

Thrilled and pissed all at the same time

2010-01-17T15:22:00.003+10:00

Have had the follow up scan and a very healthy good sized GIRL to be seen. All looks wonderful with her and she was squirming around and is nearly a week bigger than her due date. So we were a bit shocked as I was expecting 3 boys in a row and of course very happy.
When they got down to the placenta it is not only low it looks to be completely covering the cervix with some on the posterior wall and most on the anterior. Only 19 weeks and I know things can move but UGGGHHH. So am not even going to go there for now. Will have another scan around 25-26 and will then assess it. Not feeling confident and was worrying lots for about 24hours but feeling a bit calmer now.
Its not the c section that concerns me - its the much higher risk beforehand. Being put on rest and no lifting (how do you do that with a 12month old) and risk of big bleeds and stays in hospital etc are very real and possible scenarios with placenta previa. Oh well for now she is growing well and all is ok. How silly that I might have thought this would be a walk in the park...

An update

2010-01-09T19:45:00.003+10:00

I have never been much of a blogger although I have enjoyed reading, crying and laughing along with so many others. It has been such a lifeline and a place to rest my lonely sad head at times. Just felt so normal to hang with DBMum's in those first months. So essential.
As is often the case and written about here - after 2 years and the intensity receded - I feel less of a need to read and write and comment although being pregnant again it is comforting and nice to share that with so many of you lovely gals. However I must say the more recent rush of pregnancies from women that I so closely walked with 2 years ago has made me a little bit more addicted all over again. Its lovely to see Tash and C and Ya Chun and G and others all with growing bellies and I wait with much anticipation to hear about the arrivals of these much awaited little ones.

As for me I have hit 18 weeks and have the very rare faint nudges from within and I look forward to them gaining more oomph over the coming weeks. Have the halfway scan and a detailed OB appt over the next couple of weeks and will discuss how this baby might arrive. I would prefer a VBAC but will wait and see. First I must avoid any high drama like last time with partial placenta previa. That was not much fun!!

So will let you know more when I do and in the meantime all the best for 2010 to you all. We deserve only good things. x

14w and 3d

2009-12-14T09:06:00.003+10:00

Just a quick update to say things are progressing nicely so far. Had a good scan at 12wks and low risk for Downs and other trisomys etc. Its quite amazing after going through such a struggle there to be pregnant again and the time to be just ticking along without constant mental anguish. It's nice..real nice. Gorgeous Morgan has just started crawling and within a week is now pulling himself up to stand hanging onto the couch.. So fingers crossed he can walk before I get too massive.

Mid January we will have the next scan and yes we will be finding out the sex .. as Anthony said a couple of nights ago. "I need to know.. I need to know everything"!! "Does the baby have all its limbs, are the organs there and functioning, where is the placenta, does it look normal, what is the fluid level like, is the cord normal and performing well, is the baby all tangled up, is the heart beating and yes, what sex is it" I guess that's the new normal for people like us.

Thanks for your well wishes its much appreciated.

And just like that...

2009-11-11T10:24:00.002+10:00

I find myself facing the possibility of a new little baby in our home. I will be 10 weeks on Friday and in keeping with my scan addiction I had a sneak peek a few days ago and one rather vibrant little cashew with great heart beat of 171 was visible.
I suppose the most exciting part for me after surving pregnancy after surviving loss..is that I feel almost a bit normal..almost a bit like the old me...that this might just work, that i may just enjoy the process and not wring my hands in worry and angst MOST of the time and I may just get a baby. The confidence of having recently DONE this ..is lingering. And it feels good.

But for now we wait and see and hope that this little soul sticks.

Happy birthday my beautiful boy

2009-11-03T18:12:00.002+10:00

Darling Noah,

How I think of you so often and WISH with all my heart you were tearing through the house right now. I wonder what you would like to eat, what toys you would prefer. Would you be a rough and tumble little boy into cars and dirt and making lots of noise or would you be a little more introspective and like to look at books and play quietly? Would you be a climber, a bolter, a chatterbox, a cuddly monkey? No doubt a mix of all of the above.

We will have a special cake for you this evening and light a couple of candles and send our love through the night sky to you. I looked at all your photos last night, remembering every little detail. How I wish I could have spent longer with you or I wish that I could even have those hours again. What a ridiculous and tragic idea that a mother should have to capture a lifetime of memories, your smell, your skin every little detail of you - in such a short time. It's impossible!!

So on this your second birthday - two long and sad years without you. I love you baby boy my first born son. Mama x

My precious boys

2009-04-18T14:45:00.013+10:00

A drawing..from a photo..the one that I got for Xmas...of my most beautiful beloved first son Noah.
I have never before showed you an image of my sweetheart.

Then a photo of Morgan at about 2-3 weeks old...we (my husband, parents etc) could not believe how similiar they are.

They look so peaceful and sleepy...

I can still NOT comprehend that one of them is not here. I KNOW IT..I KNOW IT.. but it can still suck the breath out of me.

Noah....and....

2009-04-18T00:35:00.005+10:00

Ok I am a bit silly.....funny that. I am a bit high and flying...lots of champagne ha ha ha

So my gorgeous Morgan boy will enjoy the bottle tonight - no booby for the time being. ...yes mummy wants you to wait for the tit...

My god even now.. I just skip the sad bits and pretend all is good.

Is there anybody OUT THERE....

Confrontation

2009-04-18T00:28:00.002+10:00

I know i appear silent but I'm not... I have just told my brother that my baby died...does he remember. My precious baby died from a simple virus. He just stopped breathing....I am so SAD..when will i be better...when will others understand.

My how I've grown...

2009-04-03T17:06:00.003+10:00

Not far away...

2009-04-01T20:16:00.002+10:00

I cannot believe its been just over 2 months since my life changed forever..AGAIN. I am generally happy and content and I am not sure if I belong in this place anymore. Of course I think of my baby Noah .. many times a day. I think of him as a tiny wee one and as the imagined toddler that he would be now. And sometimes the tears well up or even spill over..but its not intense - in fact it has not really been intense for quite a while...even before Morgan came. I guess I am healing, and feel quite balanced and just used to my altered existence which is parenting my 3 children in very different ways. An almost teen, a tiny one and one that I so wish I could have with me.
But I still check in every day or so and am so pleased to see the recent couple of babies arrive.."well done mamas" and am still holding out to see many others get their BFP and happy ending too.
I know that I am always going to miss my baby and I expect I will ALWAYS have moments of that feeling when your tummy falls away and the tears come so quickly and the feelings just flood back.. but I know they are less and less..
So I enjoy my new little man and oh so gently and tenderly remember my other.

Click Click Flash Flash...I am so popular!!

2009-02-04T07:07:00.002+10:00

I did it!! I did it!!

2009-02-01T19:07:00.003+10:00

I have a new man in my life and I am so in love.. He was born 28 January at 10.36am a perfect healthy - 3280 grams or 7lb 3

I am just home now and recovering well. I am stunned, thrilled, and just cannot believe how blessed we are to have him.

My perfect baby boy that we have named Morgan...

More details tomorrow with pics I promise.

xx

Nerves of steel!!!

2009-01-27T08:15:00.002+10:00

I thought I would mislead you all with that Title. Hmmm nervous now, definite excitement too but very nervous. In 24 hours time I will be gowned up and getting ready for my turn.

Please beautiful baby hang in there.

Thanks for all your love and support. I could not have done any of this without you. Please think of us both as we try and navigate these last hours to the other side. Surreal!!

xx

This time next week....

2009-01-21T13:48:00.002+10:00

Feeling very pregnant now - slow and tired, needing a nap in the middle of the day. Bubby is moving well and all seemed good at the ob appointment yesterday. As of last Friday the estimated weight was 6lb 4 so we are looking at around 7lb at 36 wk 6 days - the C section day. I can't believe I just have to get through 1 week, its seems nothing but it also seems endless and scary and as we know anything can happen. Denial is serving me well and keeping busy and distracted with our business. We have a couple of big quotes to get in this week - one of which would really set us up for the year..so am hoping we can secure that deal.

The room is not set up though - its not chaos but its not all baby pretty. Clothes have been washed and put in drawers but other than that there are little piles of stuff or baby gifts already given still in wrappers and a couple of boxes of baby toys - few books on a small bookshelf etc. Nothing pretty on the walls or anything. Just rather dull really.
The cot is not set up as I have always believed you get the baby before you put that up. So that big box and new mattress is leaning on a wall in our bedroom (as baby will be in my room for first weeks/months)

Wishing I could gush with excitement (which i do have moments of) but basically I am just existing.

Wake me when its over!!

2009-01-15T12:53:00.002+10:00

Well I am hanging in there. Time is going fairly slowly and yet in 2 weeks this will all be done. The outcome will be decided and 'generally' I am feeling I will probably get a baby. I am 35 weeks today and I must say I am actually glad now that I don't have to get into the real end game of 38-40 weeks as I reckon I would have used up all my rational thoughts by that time.

It has been decided it will be a general so I am not even going to be conscious for the birth!! I think I am just surrendering to every new obstacle and this is helping a lot. Yes I would love to push my baby out and have that experience and to be the first person they see...but its just not going to be like that. So get over it!! My ob Lee did walk me through how it will all play out and so I can visualise things better and so I should be out for about 90mins and will wake in the recovery room with a little one and Daddy beside me waiting for a cuddle and a breastfeed. Ha thats the baby by the way. But wow oh my god!!!! This doctor is just so calm and reassuring and takes the time to go over the physical and emotional aspects and she talks like I am going to get a baby..and so goddam I am compelled to believe her. And it feels great to not be so scared and to be a bit like a normal pregnant woman, excited and expecting the best.

My missing Noah has definitely been put into a little box and hidden away at the moment. I just can't deal with that and this. I look at his beautiful drawing many times a day and I smile or go up to it and stoke his little face and say sweet things to him. But if I start having some sad or bad thoughts I immediately go on alert...SUPPRESS SUPPRESS.. i just can't think about it too much. I think I know a new wave of grieving is right around the corner and I am saving my strength for that.

Its amazing to have come this far and I am so grateful for the chance to bring a new baby into our life. And so I wait...

Happy Birthday to me...

2009-01-08T17:11:00.002+10:00

We have a date!!

28th January..my 38th birthday.

This has to be a good omen .. do you think?? I always consider 28 to be my lucky number too.

My god excited, nervous, terrified, thrilled...did I mention anxious. You know the usual MANIC range of emotions..flooding through in a matter of minutes.

The finish line

2009-01-07T09:16:00.005+10:00

Well I am home now...had not had any blood for 48 hours and so am to lay low at home and hopefully avoid further bleeding.
Was very pleased to be given some very clear info and answers.
1. It will be a c section at around 36/37 weeks - EXACT DATE TBA within the next week.
2. If i bleed again I go back into hospital until the baby comes.
3. Another doc appointment and scan next week to keep me going.
4. Head consultant will perform the surgery as it is a high risk caesar

So by the end of January this baby should be born and I hope with every ounce within me that all will be well and I get my happy ending.

Because I must make even a c section more complicated ... one of the negs is that because the placenta is anterior they must cut through it and get bub out straight away. There is a greater chance than a with a normal caesar of bleeding that cannot be stopped and so in very rare cases and I guess to save your life a hysterectomy needs to be performed. SOO in light of this they (they being the head consultant my lovely lady Lee and her team) are in discussion about perhaps doing the section under a general. You almost have to laugh.. or cry... hmmm.

So I did my usual freak out and then more calmly examined this info in my head and even visualised the surgery taking place in a calm, orderly, highly efficient way..not like a emergency room after a car accident - like you might see on the TV. And after a lovely sleep in ... in my own bed... am feeling better about it all.

You know what ... WHATEVER .. if I have a general and I am woken in recovery with a beaming husband holding a photo of a live baby or perhaps even the 'real thing' and he tells me all is fine with our little one and that I also still have a uterus intact. Well thats a pretty good day out isn't it.

Its amazing how the line just changes and you just keep 'dealing with it'. I must be tougher than I ever thought.

Now I have a pile of about 8 DVD's to keep me on the couch...so off I go. xxx

First Blood - Part 1

2009-01-06T06:12:00.002+10:00

Well not quite taken from a scene from Rambo..but Sunday morning woke up to "oooww I am peeing myself must do more PF excercises" put hand down there and its red. Rush to the toilet and had a gush. Not a scary scary one but a bit more than most peoples period one. Ant is up with me and I tell him to wake Luka we are off to the hospital. Had just felt bubby move in bed so was not so much worried as almost excited..maybe we are getting out baby a bit early!!! Anyway to get to the point...its now Tuesday morning and am still in hospital. The loss continued (couple of small clots and like a period..until Sunday evening and then nothing its just 'brown town now' - sorry the details are so friendly heee.
So have had a very comprehensive scan with biophysical profile stuff in it..and all very good. Nothing sinister looking at all. And bub a good size at 33wk 5 days 2.5kg or about 5lb 7. Have had the 2 steroid shots to mature lungs in case things escalated and been on the CTG every 6 hours and baby behaving perfectly lots of movement and great heart rate - responding at the right times etc..they happy. As you can see I am quite upbeat at present mainly due to getting some SLEEP (discovered am allowed some sleeping tabs and bought ear plugs) Praise be to the Temazapan god!!!) First night had only 2 hours tossing turning stressing and just uncomfortable noisy hospital rooms - oh and did I mention that I am in post labour maternity wards - yes thats right with mums and babies and about 6 rooms away from where i spent 6 long arduous toughest nights of my life 14 months ago. GRRRR...GOD. So couple of massive 'silent' sobs into my pillow first afternoon/evening. It was all just way too familiar..the smells, sounds and here I am IN THIS PLACE again and No baby... At least they had the consideration to put me in with 2 mums that babies are in special care..not scary NICU but born around 33 - 34 weeks so will be home in a week or so...although during the night that changed and a Mum and new baby girl arrived across from me. Always a bit better that its a girl though for me - silly huh.
So anyway goal for today is to get this CALLED by the head ob Lee who is visiting me. Yes you have placenta previa and it WILL be a caesaerean .. and then I want a finish line..and a date in a calender to strive for. Wish me luck and thanks for you support beautiful girls.

Happy New Year from the bitter and twisted..

2009-01-03T08:42:00.003+10:00

I love a New year and I am most pleased to see the back of 2008. Cannot believe that I am here well into my last trimester and hopefully bringing a baby home in a few weeks. This really is a form of torture though...the days drag and I am SO aware of how many days till this milestone or how many days to that event which will help time pass. However I am busy helping launch our new business and putting the finishing touches on the website and starting some internet and RL marketing. So am expecting 2009 will be quite a nice financial year..thats one thing huh..but of course all rather insignificant compared to the REAL goal of 09.

I remember earlier in this pregnancy I wrote that I would do things a bit differently and part of that involved getting the room ready earlier etc...well up until a week ago had basically done NOTHING. Denial, terror, laziness - all of the above. However over the last days have bought a nice white cot, a swish baby carrier and have even started sorting though some clothes and toys etc.. So ever so slowly I am starting to face the possibility that I might get a little baby again. Sigh!!

Yesterday while reading the paper over breakfast I had a spontaneous sob - its weird how they just side swipe you. They had this big article on the 3 YES 3..new babies that had been born on the side of roads on the way to hospital in my city on New Years day. And each family gushed about how amazing it had been, and how overwhelming and exciting. And the tears just flowed..and the old familiar feelings. Why do they get their baby? Why did I not get my happy ending. How happy and naive and joyful they are and HOW LUCKY. But of course it passed fairly quickly and I regrouped and "got on" with my day.

Then later in the afternoon, Ant came home and said I am not sure if I should tell you this..and of course proceeded to tell me anyway...about a couple that we have not had much to do with over the years, however the husband David saved Antonys life when they were early 20's (another long story) and they recently reconnected. Well we have been to there place for dinner once and they came to ours and they are very nice people (but a little straight for me) Anyway she has had her 2nd baby on New Years day she is a week ahead of me so the baby has come 6 weeks early and he is healthy and fine a bit over 5lbs. He is a little brother for their other cute little son about 17 months .. ( and my Noah would have been 14 months today) .
So of course what does any normal dead baby mama think about such news. Do warm loving feeling flood her body...well NO more like hot flashes of ENVY, and almost despair that someone else has got their 2 babies and I still have not gone my 1.
This is actually the 2nd couple in our midst that has done this over the last couple of weeks. We casually know another couple that had a little boy a few days after Noah died and also just popped out the 2nd kid around Christmas. How fucking clever!!!!!

Its just so hard this WHOLE journey...I want to wake up when its over. If anyone can find me an article to back up the idea that guzzling a bottle of wine is BENEFICIAL to the unborn child I would be most grateful.

One day at a time...

Merry Christmas to All

2008-12-25T09:43:00.002+10:00

Well we woke early in this house all excited to share our gifts with each other. And I got 'the nicest gift' from my sweetheart. A beautiful sketched picture of our Noah, beautifully framed and it is taking pride of place on our living room wall. I LOVE IT. His Aunt did it and she is a professional artist and she said to him a few tears were shed completely the work from photos we have. Well I can also say a few tears were shed upon opening it too. We have been teary and a bit emotional this morning...I can't stop admiring my beautiful son and this is intermingled with a very excited 11 year old and her new IPod Nano etc and some strong kicks into my ribs from within.... Its a strange kind of day isn't it...the happy with the sad...

To all of you at your very different stages on this journey, for some it is your first Christmas without your little person for others this is a familiar feeling, though I hope not as raw as the first one. Whatever, wherever, however...I wish you all the peace and comfort and love that I can send.

30 weeks today and sane

2008-12-11T10:42:00.002+10:00

A milestone reached!! Into the 30's and feeling heaps better than my last mental post. In fact I had a couple of hideous teary, anxious days and then something just snapped. I think I just got sick of feeling sick..so made the decision that I am just going to not be so anxious and scared and so far its working. Just feel a lot more balanced than before.

It amazing how the line in the sand just keeps changing - however now I could honestly say I have come to terms with likely caesarean and possible prem baby and I AM OK. Its already been hard, it will continue to be hard, a few more hurdles are not going to destroy me. The goal is to bring a baby home and thats just what I am going to focus on.

Am back seeing my acupuncturist weekly and she is a natural therapist with 20 yrs experience, that only deals with all things related to fertility, pregnancy, birth etc and she said she has still seen placentas move from 28 wks to be ok at 34 and has given me some more herbs to assist with this, plus a session of her magical needles that I do love. Now I am not 'expecting this news' think better for me to adjust to the C section etc - but it may be a nice suprise.

Next ob visit the 16th - scan on the 20th and then back to ob on the 30th to discuss the finding of the previous scan. So for now I enjoy summer, swimming and feasting on salads and seafood, tropical fruits and all the fun an Aussie Xmas brings AND i wait.

Not a happy lady

2008-12-03T08:09:00.002+10:00

OK went to the doctor yesterday the senior ob Lee did not see me but one of her small team another ob woman who I have not met before. She seemed a little bit casual at first but once I insist on going over things, getting out my list of questions, talking about Noah, sounding anxious and frantic she definitely gave me plenty of time and consideration. Shame you sometimes have to push it to get the attention but as long as you get there in the end.
So my placenta is currently a grade III previa (half covering cervix) - and in her words not looking like it will move. However they won't officially talk caesarean until 34 weeks (early Jan)
From now on I see an ob every 2 weeks (pretty standard for 3rd trimester) plus they will do a scan again at 31 weeks and again 34 weeks.
She said gentle exercise is fine - just no squats with weights kinda stuff .. which I would not be doing anyway PLUS I have decided that husband and I can have a "play" but no penetration sex.
Of course I must watch out for a bleed and even if a tinge to go straight in and if I have pain or anything of course the same. If placenta does not move - chance of bleed after 34 weeks is about 50%. Some of the other random things that she mentioned was they may start giving me steroids next visit and that "the obs like anything over 2kg" (about 4lbs 4oz) - anything being my baby.
I must say during the first 10 mins of this appointment I was almost narcy..just sounding a bit sarcastic and basically angry. So after all of this info and lots of questions from me..I had to add so one more thing cos of course it can't get any more COMPLEX. BUT if I have a caesarean I know that I have an anterior placenta - what do you do then?? She said well they just cut through it and get bub - no risk to bub - but YOU have a much bigger chance of a big bleed like 1-1.5litres so they have to deal with that promptly or worst case hysterectomy time AAAHAHAH

So let me summarise and excuse the angry whinging BUT.

Placenta Previa - that will probably remain so
Increased Risk of bleeds and all the hazards to bub and me that brings
Caesearean
Reasonable chance of Post Partum Haemorrage (especially as had one with Noah)
Slim chance of Hysterectomy
Good chance of Premmie baby

AND GREAT CHANCE OF MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR MUMMY.

I just don't know how I am going to do this!!! I can't believe I entered this pregnancy not so much high risk as "special care" due to emotional trauma and the frightening realisation that baby's die from many different causes...and NOW i am looking very much like high risk for actual medical reasons to add to the emotional scars. So woke about a dozen times during night to wipe and check and check and felt the most anxious I have in ages, tried to cry to get some relief and it was pathetic and half hearted. So just tried to breathe slowly and close my mouth to not 'overbreathe' and stared around the room. Horrible.

I am just terrified that I AM THE ONE, the horror story that we are all so afraid of. That my story will fuck up and I just don't think I, my marriage, my life would survive losing this much loved child. If i could just cut a deal but BE GUARANTEED the living baby at the end. Can I please just get to 33-34 weeks and I promise I can handle the caesaeran (piece of cake) some wringing of hands around a slightly premmie baby, expressing madly and having to wait to bring them home (no fun at all but at least they alive) hell I'll haemorrage and have a blood trans. (Been there done that)..JUST PLEASE GET ME MY BABY.

Placenta not playing nice.

2008-11-28T14:57:00.004+10:00

This morning had a scan to check on beautiful baby and my placenta. I am 28 weeks and little one is looking good. Measuring about 1.3kg (2.8lbs) which is a little chunky for this stage. Plus good fluid, great cord blood flow etc etc. So was very happy and relieved to see and hear all that. HOWEVER my placenta is still low and appears to actually cover my cervix a little. I have called my doctor to get her opinion on the scan results and her advice for this stage but no reply as yet.
So until I talk to her I won't "call it" placenta praevia but its looking like its not going to move. BLOODY HELL.

So if it was 'just' that I need to have a C section then I would adjust my head to this idea and of course would just deal with it. Anything for a healthy live baby and healthy Mum right!! But its not just that..google this condition people and you will discover it makes me "high risk" as if having a dead baby last time was not "high risk enough". Greater risks of bleeds, and placental abruptions and other such fun stuff.
I have had my big cry session but I am trying to 'wait' until I talk to Dr Lee until I start to worry too much.

Any ideas or advice or some fabulous outcome stories would be great. Please can you guys cheer me up.

Eyes Open

2008-11-17T15:51:00.003+10:00

Well things sure are interesting being pregnant after surviving a 3rd trimester loss. Some days go by fairly quickly and other times it seems to be SO SLOW and that finish line just so far away. I really don't know how I am going to get through the many weeks ahead. I was reading that at this stage 26weeks 'babies eyes are opening' - how sweet, how amazing. And all I can think of is 'please stay open'. My dear friend K is 'getting her baby tomorrow' and I am SO excited for her. I just cannot imagine the anxiety to be that close. But it also gives me such encouragement to just plod along one day at a time and soon enough, hopefully it will be my turn, my happy ending.

Surviving 1st Birthdays's

2008-11-07T09:47:00.004+10:00

Well my little one, your Mummy got through a rather hard week. Missing you more than ever and wishing she could be watching your toothy grin as you squealed with delight over cake and presents. Or hey maybe you would just be more interested in playing with the paper and in the box than with those new toys and books.
I love you little darling boy. I miss you.

Bits and Pieces

2008-10-27T08:43:00.003+10:00

YAY...I get to have a ramble too. Thanks K.

1. Where is your cell phone? Beside my bed
2. Where is your significant other? At work
3. Your hair color? Auburn
4. Your mother? Unconditional

5. Your father? Soppy

6. Your favorite thing? Eating

7. Your dream last night? Scary

8. Your dream/goal? Little Eyes open

9. The room you’re in? Lovely

10. Your hobby? Talking

11. Your fear? The words "I'm sorry"......

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Everywhere

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you’re not? A wallflower

15. One of your wish list items? Organic vegie garden

16. Where you grew up? Australia

17. The last thing you did? Egg on Toast

18. What are you wearing? Gym clothes

19. Your T.V.? Handy

20. Your pet? Crazy cat lady

21. Your computer? Essential

22. Your mood? Hopeful

23. Missing someone? Gently

24. Your car? Zippy

25. Something you’re not wearing? Make up

26. Favorite store? Funky

27. Your Summer? Coming

28. Love someone? Big time

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? Oct 15th

Big sister love

2008-10-14T20:06:00.002+10:00

This is my daughters contribution to the monthly newsletter of our local 'Still Birth Support Group Org' As Noah's birthday is coming up we have been allocated a page to share our feelings and thoughts. She wrote this a couple of weeks after he died on beautiful butterfly paper that she carefully selected.

Noah I really love you, I hope you can hear me because of course this is true.
Noah I just want to tell you that I love you and I always will.
I saw you grow up in my mummy's tummy.
I guess you were just not ready.
Everyday I will come and talk to you. Even bring a secret or two.
We made you a beautiful garden so you can rest.
We gave you your name because it means 'peaceful and restful"
I'll remember the perfect name for my little brother Noah.
Noah I really do love you. Happy 1st Birthday Your big sister Luka xxoox

Happy one minute - sobbing the next

2008-09-26T18:10:00.003+10:00

Well we saw our little one a few hours ago and they were very pleased with bub. Anatomy results were all excellent and in general it all appears really positive. One healthy little baby. Except for this placenta which is low lying or partially crossing my cervix. I have not had a doctor appointment with this scan, just saw a radiographer who takes his/her findings to the clinics doctor who writes a report which is sent to your ob or midwife or whoever you use. So what started as some concern as we left the scan has slowly escalated. I have managed to shriek at my husband and he has fled to his friends house for awhile with L in tow, I then have wandered around the house crying and wailing like I have not for quite a while. My god I am so scared, I know that the majority of placentas move up as the uterus expands but what if mine doesn't. I must say the hysterics, some frantic book reading and then some Dr Google has helped somewhat and brought me back to earth. Almost always this condition rectifies itself. But I have been on the shit end of the odds before. GRRRRR... I just want to catch a break!! Is that too MUCH TO ASK. I just feel so ANGRY. I want to smash things but then I would have to sweep them up and replace them DUR!!!

I know that even with L the placenta was low at the 20 week scan and yet had moved up by late pregnancy so I could and did push her out. I don't even remember being really concerned about it, in fact had forgotten it totally until I read my pregnancy journal that I wrote for her.

But hey thats back when I was an innocent schmuck. Now I am just a frightened, vulnerable fuckin nutcase. And it all involves just WAITING. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting to recover from your goddam D and C's or from the horror of stillbirth, waiting to not feel so shit, waiting to recover, waiting to conceive again, waiting for your period. I am SO tired today of waiting.. and yet thats what I am going to have to do.

I just hope more than anything the wait is worth it...

Riding the waves

2008-09-21T14:49:00.003+10:00

Well its hard to believe but the weeks are passing and I am getting there - nearly half way. This pregnancy is so far a breeze..as really my other 2 have been. If you ignore the deadly baby killing virus that I was none the wiser about. All is looking fine so far the only thing to keep an eye on is a low lying placenta that will hopefully rectify itself. The fact that it is all so routine is of course comforting and yet also kinda eerie. Will i know if something is going wrong this time and ACT. I know I just have to breathe through the manic moments and follow my instincts and get the best care and attention I can.
I am also trying to do 'different things' this pregnancy - superstitious lot us dead baby mums can be. Had not yet bought a cot and other baby furniture for Noah, so am planning to do that over the next few weeks and have the room set up probably by 3rd trimester. Also plan on finishing work a couple of weeks later than I did last time. Small stuff perhaps but helps my head. Also we have found out the sex "sorry my little secret" which I have never done before. We really just could not wait! Funny that..its like being pregnant for EVER...when you don't get to bring one home.
Mantra to self - Most babies LIVE, Most babies LIVE ... it really is one day at a time.

This one wants to stick

2008-08-12T18:17:00.002+10:00

Have just had my 3 month scan today and it reveals a very healthy active wriggling baby. With a heartbeat (always my favourite bit). I am so relieved to find someone in there although as I am already looking pregnant I did suspect things might be working out. But wow its good to have confirmation that I have got past this first hill. With a few mountains still to cross. But you know I have decided that I am just going to enjoy this experience (well try my very best) and expect good things for this little one. So for today as least I am happy.

Still hanging in there

2008-07-22T18:11:00.002+10:00

Just a quick update that the new bean is a bit over 9 wks and heart pumping away at 176. Feeling a bit more positive and even getting a tiny bit excited if I allow myself. Lets face it I am invested in this little peanut..how can we not be..and if anything f%#*s up I will be curled up in a miserable ball.
Come on baby..you can do it!!

Remembering Noah

2008-07-20T16:27:00.002+10:00

Have been thinking more and more about getting some mementos for Noah and to finally get a photo or 2 in frames or something. I realise as time is passing by that he is not brought up as much by friends or family and as I always want his name said and his little self thought about I had best make sure they get reminded. Especially if this bean does actually grow...I must ensure that a 'new pregnancy' does not overshadow that my second child, my only son is not here.
So I have been considering some jewellery or even a tattoo. I saw another dead baby mum had a footprint on her foot and I really liked the concept of it and although I have not got any other tatts I do like the idea of getting his actual little foot print copied onto mine.

Its discreet and private if I want it to be, however as its summer 9 months of the year here, it would be also out there for the world to see. I like that i could look down and be reminded of him and that it also says he is walking with me and that his Mama is carrying him. What do you think of that idea girls and what other things have you done? Part of the reason I don't have photos around is because he had been dead for a few days by the time he arrived and they are not that 'family friendly' Funny isn't it how as a proud mum you still kinda want to show them to people and go "Look at my cute little guy, don't worry about that skin peeling off and the dark purple bits, isn't he just a darlin" while the poor unexpected viewer picks themselves off the floor. Oh dear!!

So any ideas would be great...

So Far So Good...

2008-07-08T18:09:00.003+10:00

Thanks for the kind wishes and sorry I did not reply after the scan. But to be honest I was so stunned and pissed off for C that it was the last thing on my mind.
Well the news as of Friday was - one live bean - 6 wk 3 days and heartbeat of 120 - all looking fine. Had been a tiny (doctors words) bleed away from bub but they showed no concern re that.
So I sit and wait and wait and wait and plot and plan for another scan in couple of weeks to see if things are progressing still.
Feel rather numb re the whole thing - just trying not to invest. Taking one day at a time.

My baby boy

2008-07-04T08:00:00.002+10:00

How I miss you darling boy. Can it really be 8 months since I saw your pretty little face. I look at bigger babies now, babies that sit up and maybe crawl and are getting some teeth. And I wonder what you would be like. I think of how things could have been and I am sorry that I did not know you were sick in my tummy darling. The effect your little life has had on your daddy and me and your big sister is so profound. We talk about you, we cry about you, we smile and remember the smallest little things and feel such love in our hearts - and its all for you Noah.

Today Mummy is frightened and also hopeful, she is going to have a scan to see if she has another baby just starting to grow. I must be brave just as you were.

I love you.

Another chance

2008-06-25T20:14:00.002+10:00

I have a secret...well its a secret in RL - but I had to share it here first. Yes two pink lines for me a few days ago. What a mix of emotions. Firstly I am sorry that this causes some people real distress who are trying and with no success so far. But remember that was me last month and the month before. And its only 2 pink lines - who knows if it means more than that. But oh please oh please. I am a good person, a good mummy, a good friend please let me have the chance to love another baby. PLEASE....
I have booked an early scan to see if anyone is in there for end of next week. And until I know further I just hope time flys by, I hope for many many things..but right now this Bean carrier needs to sleep.

Still here..

2008-06-17T20:14:00.002+10:00

Its amazing that over 6 weeks have passed since I last wrote, although I have never been that prolific now have I. I still have a look every week or so and leave a few comments, but I guess there are two reasons I have not been a regular. 1. That i generally feel better and sometimes reading more sad stories etc sets off the tears and brings me down. and 2. Seemed to be so many pregnancies and while I am genuinely thrilled and excited for this...I can't help feel a bit left out and a bit envious. I want to yell out " don't leave me behind..wait for me..I want to join in on the next stage with you" Especially the women that I consider to be part of 'my group' the ones who lost bubbys within a couple of months of me.
So I am actively trying to make a baby...we did the ovulation tests for 3 months with no success so this month we have just 'gone for it' around the right time and we will wait and see. I also have done 2 sessions of acupuncture and am taking some Chinese herbs. I have even booked in with a fertility specialist in July, not that I think fertility is really my issue. Shit this is pregnancy 6 I am aiming for so I can very much get pregnant..its bringing home the baby that I suck at.

..but cos i am 37 I just want to know I have the IVF intervention back up if I need. Even doing all these things makes me feel proactive and just doing something and for me that helps. Hopefully it will just happen while I am distracted by all this. Fingers crossed and legs open.

Word of the day Disappointed...

2008-04-26T13:56:00.004+10:00

Well i have had a great weekend. Have just driven to Byron Bay ...one of the most glorious places in Australia..and saw some fab music ... a little bit hard rock which was jumping laughing fun...
So quite a few drinks enjoyed (yes yes trying to find balance between this 2 year pregnancy bullshit no kid thing) and sometimes that includes getting a bit crazy. so 2 of my best girlfriends there L ..who was so there when shit hit fan and R who has been darling friend in certain parts of my life, loads of laughs and champers and - (we had great successful business together) anyway she kinda shown herself to be just my good time girlfriend and not the solid soul sister that i thought she was. I hate even writing that..but its the truth.

Anyway as the night evolved out of a dozen people out to see this very famous fun band... everyone starts doing different stuff... a couple going to and fro from one bar to new bar, one two other friends getting a little sideways, some maybe need to go early even after my understanding that this is Ange time...us with our guys having super laughs, great tunes and giggles... (hey you can screw him whenever...what about me) Anyway people were lost bla bla...but STILL i so had fun at the gig with my rocker A. So to cut long story...I sent texts saying where did everyone go, why didnt you text or call..no matter how much beer taken in..we not in our "home town" so connect and make sure all back at hotels or whatever and everyone ok..and the word that featured in these texts was DISAPPOINTED. And i rambled further about this to A and then yet again this morn in our hazy drive home to Bris. And then I had the Dr Phil moment that..I am not disappointed about who left one bar to make out at another or bla bla bla its about my baby.

WHAT I WANT TO SAY..is i am disappointed that you DON'T GET IT. I want you to get it and i want to be acknowledged. I want his name said and i just want you to miss him even a bit and to ask about me...yes i dance and laugh even look like old Ange.. am almost pre preg size 8 (think that a 6 or 4 or some such nonsense in USA)..and am otherwise busy with lots of projects to distract me...but do you remember my BABY DIED.

What I am disappointed about is the fact i have to remind you in a passive aggressive way such as (hmmm still could lose 5 kilos its that baby weight hanging around) or (yeah was going to do this or that or fuckin whatever but Noah died and that changed)...like REMEMBER.

so hey its not about a night out its a lot of stuff. like who did not come to me after Noah and yet sent lovely messages but cancelled 3 visits due to work/stuff/slight hangover/sick/busy. Friend R... that I love.
So do i have to let you go a little.. Maybe i do..You just my fun girl..that wishes she could deal with big grown up stuff...but until Dead Baby is the name of cocktail we are just sometimes, when times are good friends. and that sucks! and its one more person i need to miss!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 months today...

2008-04-03T16:32:00.005+10:00

and I want MY BABY...I MISSSS MY BABY!!!!! Not coping this very minute. Everyone that is commenting about how it gets worse before it gets better..i agree with. I was better off at 3 months then I have been in the last few weeks. Its just the reality has sunk in! This is real and this sucks. I don't want this to be my life, my story. I want to rewind and be naive and excited and hopeful and joyful. I don't want to go through the goddam motions in my new job or pretending to be excited and interested in almost every bloody social thing we do. I am just angry and sad and terrified and frustrated. But i just wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks to all you girls out there..the ones I love to read and who just "get me". You have made a truely shocking experience almost bearable.

....I love you Noah. Darling, how I wish more than anything I could hold you and kiss you and tell you how adored you are. What a brave little guy you are - my beautiful, perfect little man. love Mama xx

And the Oscar goes too....

2008-03-25T21:17:00.002+10:00

YES ME....Just started a new job in the sales team of a National Food Company..and on day 2 I get invited to have a coffee with my very nice direct supervisor and as I round the corner and find myself in the morning tea area...I find we are not alone...she has invited her "friend" another coworker who happens to be very pregnant and due to go on maternity leave any day to give birth to her BOY.. well of course.
Its amazing isn't it - these situations that we find ourselves in. I love to talk to women about all things intimate and womanly and yet i find myself pretending to be the "shy one" as they giggle and discuss her impending birth and the last weeks...
If i just stare at them and through them as they chat and in my head go LA LA LA LA LA...i won't hear a thing. Wow I am so good the tears almost start and I can swallow them and nod and smile accordingly. Its all so f&^&$%^% but I must say I am impressive!!!!

Trying to make a baby

2008-03-21T18:23:00.003+10:00

Ok so we have started trying...we are not taking any chances and this month we used the Ov tests and behaved like little rabbits when we got the green light..or is that the pink stripes. But I sit here with my damm period and try and psych myself up for the next chance. I just sooo want a baby, of course I want Noah thats the baby I want and I think about him all the time BUT since that is impossible I must try and make another little treasure. I am just so scared that I am just not going to ever get that baby in my arms.

I never wanted to focus on it like this...I just wanted to see what happened..go off the pill and see. But now after 2 miscarriages and Noah, I am 37 and I am now mildly obsessed...now it seems I have to "follow through" and get that baby.

I just thought it would be oh so easier....

How could I be so stupid

2008-03-13T22:15:00.002+10:00

I am so pissed off. My mind goes over the details of Noah dying every day and more and more I am hearing "what were you thinking" "how stupid could you have been" why would you think his movement was normal" and on and on.

I think in the early weeks I was obviously very upset and cried a lot but had felt 'more comfortable' about it being out of my control and rarely did feelings of blaming myself pop up. Now thats changing and sometimes when I think about it my tummy turns over - that physical feeling of dread sweeps over me.

Its all about the bloody placenta the goddam bloody placenta being Anterior. You see Noah became extremely anaemic due to me having Parvo Virus B19 - The virus stops his red blood cells from developing and its most likely he contracted it before 20 weeks (due to the outcome) So I never felt much movement around the normal time you start to notice..and then as the weeks go on the poor little guy is getting weaker and weaker - I am getting these half hearted movements, really hardly anything. But because the placenta was Anterior I was led to believe by my midwife and Dr Google and even a woman I know that had 2 babies with Anterior placentas...that YES movement can be felt MUCH later (first flutters as late as 23-24 weeks) YES movement can be quite muffled, YES you may not feel those sharp jabs or distinct turns etc because you have a CUSHION between you and your bubba.

So every few days I bring it up to my husband and he sets me straight..."don't be silly darling - remember what the midwife/internet/friend told you...its the placenta"
So I would have concerns but they were easily put to rest (for a few days) with these explanations. But do you know the shitty thing is my instinct did not "raise the alarm" My instinct that i live by and trust being the wise old witchy poo that I am - did not let me know. And that shits me. Cos if my fears were ongoing and stronger I absolutely would have demanded some more attention, I am not a little shy wallflower, I am confident and an advocate for myself with all things medical.

I even went to the hospital at about 25 weeks to check on my puffy swollen legs and they did a trace for quite a while on him and because his heart rate was nice and strong no further investigation. My god there are so many WHAT IFS...

The fact is he could have been saved, if this virus was detected they would have given him a blood transfusion in utero or got him out and done one then. Hey he may have had a big struggle and a fight on his hands but I SOOOOO wish he could of had that chance.

How could I be so stupid?? My god Angela you have been pregnant before, don't you remember what a healthy moving bub felt like. GRRRRRRRRRR *%*$*#*%*#*0

So many whys and what if's!!!!
Why was screening for this virus not part of a standard blood test during the pregnancy.
Why do we not have a couple more scans as 'standard practice' later in pregnancy.
Why do our beautiful babies die and little research is done into preventing it.

THE HOT LIST

2008-03-07T16:07:00.008+10:00

Finally I get around to putting up my delicious list.

In no particular order ... drum roll please.

Antonio Banderas - yummy, smouldering, looks like he would make it ALL about you..wink

Viggo Mortensen - little rough around the edges, doesn't run with the pack - plus an author and poet. Intelligent beefcake. Hee.

Jake Gyllenhaal - just young and cute and some more cute.

Colin Firth - Nice combo of English gent and your kind attentive good friend. More to him than meets the eye.

George Clooney - just oozes charm. Reckon he would smell nice too.

Robert Downey Jnr - well he would spice up your party, fabulous actor and he looks A LOT like my husband.

I am sure most of the gals have done this one by now - how about Mary Lou and MKV and Samantha

I have plenty of post ideas and comments to make - so I promise to write more over the next few days. x

Tasty Treats

2008-02-29T09:51:00.003+10:00

Mmmm well thank you for the welcome distraction..Amy I will have to put some thought into some yummy honeys and get back to you.

Asian Escape

2008-02-17T09:52:00.002+10:00

We just got back from 3 weeks in Vietnam and wow I so love Asia. I love the chaos, the noise, wonderful people, the delicious food, the gentle Buddhist vibe and just being away... I feel very at home in Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia or Indonesia and suspect i may well have been Asian in a previous life. HA. Despite my fair kinda freckly skin...I am convinced that my love of a chilli/soy sauce - fried rice breakfast makes me a local. Even back in Oz i sometimes love to make an Asian breaki. YUM. My sister is the exact same, which is kinda interesting for 2 chicks born in rural Australia. We decided in the hospital (before Noah was even born...long process it took 3 days) that we would go on a trip. Australia offers a baby bonus (about $4500) for all new parents and yes dead baby mums do qualify. And we spent it!
So we were away for 2 important dates...Noah's due date and my birthday...
And for us...this trip worked...I had fun, I laughed, I shagged, I ate heaps and drank a bit..did i mention the sexy stuff..heeee.
A really healing aspect of the trip was the fabulous attitude of the Vietnamese..they have endured so much war and loss and yet they must be one of the most resilient (and forgiving) peoples. Made me consider how stillbirth would be viewed and dealt with there. Generally they have a close extended family so I guess most women would have that support but for many the "luxury" of grieving is probably limited. Many people are very poor and you have to work hard to survive and so you would probably have to 'just get on with it' Makes me appreciate the resources available to me and the time i can afford to deal with this shit.

His name is Noah

2008-02-16T15:46:00.002+10:00

I just love it Noah...Noah, Noah, Noah. I just want to say it all the time and for other people to say it. When we were looking for a name for our son, knowing he was dead and waiting for him to be born. We went back over our reasonably long list and so many were not suitable. "It has to be soft and gentle sounding" I said and the meaning "has to be appropriate" Something meaning fierce warrior would not be right for this little guy. So we would say names out loud and then look them up in not 1 but 2 different baby name books - as the name meanings can sometimes vary...rather strangely sometimes. So Noah it was discovered means peaceful and restful and wow it blew us away...that was it. How more appropriate could you get for a little baby that would be born without a sound. Just sleeping...as they say. But not sleeping - dead.

Another reluctant club member

2008-02-13T14:16:00.001+10:00

I am writing for a few different reasons... To get out my hurt and anger and rollercoaster of emotions. To remember my baby N and to introduce him to all of you wonderful women. He was so gorgeous and perfect and so wanted...

I have been a voyeur for weeks now and feel like I know so many of you and your beautiful babies already. So thanks for giving me so much comfort and support, its amazing how comforting it has been to hear your stories and to just GET YOU..so many emotions and comments that are shared just resonate so strongly. So thanks.

Perhaps I can alert others to the virus that infected me and ultimately took N's life and maybe it can prevent this happening to someone else. Writing and sharing may also help keep me sane while I endeavour to make another baby, a beautiful healthy baby that i can take home and love with all my heart. Its not too much to ask..is it!